January 2012
14 posts
1 tag
On bedtime death panic.
Dear Coquette,
I’ve just recently come to the realization of my own mortality. In the time before I fall asleep, it absolutely terrifies me thinking not about how it will end, but that it ends, period. I know you’ve given this sort of advice before, but I can’t even get past this fear to the part where you realize, “This is it, enjoy it while it lasts.” I feel trapped by the inevitable, and I’ve...
1 tag
On letting it get to you.
Dear Coquette,
Going through bad break-ups, my roommate/co-worker/close friend and I slept together. This happened several months ago and it’s gotten messy. He was sad and wanted company so he said some things that sounded more intimate than they were, and I was sad and wanted company and believed him for awhile. It stopped abruptly, and we went back to being friends.
Over time, I developed...
On things you do not need.
My goal for this year is to break out of the cycle of keeping things I do not need. I find it very difficult to throw away my old clothes, childhood toys, old school work, and textbooks. I have come to terms in accepting that it is a problem. So far, I’ve made progress, but I’ve left aside a significant amount of items that still have sentimental value. Do you have any advice for a...
1 tag
On the evil stepmother.
Dear Coquette,
My dad left my mother for a difficult woman when I was 21. At first, I tried to make nice with the lady, which proved complicated, seeing as she repeatedly put down my father in front of me and the rest of his family. He allowed it and I decided that however painful it was to watch him shrink like that, it was his business, not mine.
One night, she got a bit drunk and began to...
2 tags
On fun-sized advice.
Dear Coquette,
What’s the difference between pride and dignity? Ego. How do you kill your ego without killing your self-confidence? Confidence doesn’t die with ego, only arrogance. Can I kill somebody’s ego for him? It’s getting in the way of efforts to maintain friendliness and decency between us. You can crush a man’s ego, but only he can kill it. How do I reason with someone who is both...
1 tag
On dating wealth and chasing dreams.
Dear Coquette,
I’m having trouble processing the immense wealth of my boyfriend’s family. A solidly middle class upbringing did not prepare me for casual offerings of first class flights to Hawaii and biweekly dates at Osteria Mozza. I love spending time with him and his family and appreciate their generosity, but I’m torn between attempting to be an Independent Woman and dying to see the inside...
1 tag
On three girls who don't get it.
Dear Coquette,
I started dating an older guy about four months ago. Even though I waited a while to sleep with him and tried to take it slow, he somehow Jedi mind-tricked me, and it turned into a casual sex relationship. Once I realized this, I was already addicted to the sex and couldn’t shake the habit. Like all women do, I eventually started to get attached. It seemed like things started...
On florida or italy.
I can continue to study for two more years in Florida and get my teaching license, or I can move to Italy with my dad and study something useless there. He offered to pay for my grad school so I can move back to the States after I graduate and then work towards my license. Part of me just wants to get my education over with, while the other wants to party in Europe. How do I prioritize in order to...
1 tag
On more fun-sized advice.
What’s purpose when there is no destination? Intrinsic.
What do you mean when saying love is not something that implies anything? Thanks. Not to speak for someone else’s mushroom trip, but I’m pretty sure it means that universal love is inherently unconditional, and the obligations and conditions normally associated with the concept of love aren’t actually a part of love,...
On how to do drugs.
I just did shrooms for the first time after 19 years of being completely sober, and because I channeled things I learned from you my life has been changed. Main realizations I feel like I always knew but were cemented: art is incredibly important, education should be the nation’s and every individual’s first priority, and love is not something that implies anything. Thank you.
...
2 tags
On fun-sized advice.
Dear Coquette,
How do you kill your ego? Separate it from your consciousness.
How do I find my calling? Look for purpose in what makes you happy.
I’m terrified of thinking about death. I can grasp it, yet can’t come to terms with it at the same time. What do I do? Ask yourself, are you dead yet? If the answer is no, quit whining.
How is a celebrity divorce considered “breaking news”? Do...
On need.
NEED advice. My fuck buddy is going to be in St. Barths at the same time as me, and I don’t want to see him there because I might like him so I want to deal with it at home, not on vacation. But since I’m probably going to end up handing out with him there now, how do I play it so he realizes I like him/gauge if he likes me too?
You do not NEED advice. You NEED a reality check. You...
On normal things people tell each other.
A really close friend of mine has asked me out multiple times and I’ve said no, in essence “friend-zoning” him. Tonight he just told me he masturbates to photos of me. He got offended when I told him that I felt a little violated and icky knowing that he peruses my Facebook albums with a hard-on. I told him I’d really rather be left in the dark and he’s acting like it...
2 tags
On greatness and killing your ego.
Dear Coquette,
How do I accept that I won’t ever be great or outstanding? I always thought I had talent, and maybe I’m not bad, but a great many people are far better. I can’t stop thinking this and it’s causing me great anxiety.
Kill your ego, because nothing you do will ever matter. That’s okay, though. It’s not just you. It’s all of us. It’s taken 100,000 years for our species to hump and...
December 2011
15 posts
2 tags
On fun-sized advice.
Dear Coquette,
Do you feel there’s any question in the world that can’t be answered? Of course. Some of the deepest and most profound questions can’t possibly be answered at our current stage of evolution. Anyone who says otherwise is peddling a religion.
Can you have adventure while maintaining stability? Is it just a state of mind? Stability is an illusion. Adventure just reminds you.
Why...
On showing up and picking battles.
Dear Coquette,
I’m a freshman junior college student in California’s floundering education system. I’ve done really well so far and I expect good grades after the first semester. My enrollment date is coming up and I found out that there are about 30 classes left, and most likely the worst. I’m going to try to add the best classes I can, but things aren’t looking so great. What other options are...
On letting it go.
Do you believe in the saying, “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be”?
Fuck no. That’s just some simple bullshit people who believe in romantic destiny say when they’re going through the bargaining stage after getting dumped.
Nothing about your love life is “meant to be,”...
On a choice.
This is terrible advice…! Marriage takes lots of hard work, but the rewards are incredible. In marriage, there is a cycle of love and respect. When it starts spinning the wrong way (no-love/no-respect), you need to turn it around. It’s a choice.
Someone has been lying to you about the rewards, sweetheart. Put in all the hard work you want, but you’re an idiot if you think suffering through...
1 tag
On an unhappy marriage.
Dear Coquette,
I’m not attracted to my husband anymore. I don’t respect him anymore, either. We’ve been married for four years, we’re in our 20s and we don’t have any kids. I realize that the fire fades, and that it’s hard if not impossible to keep up a rocking sex life consistently and long-term, but I actually feel mild disgust at the prospect of having sex with him. Intimacy is pretty much...
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
What’s the best way to end things with a fuck buddy? One last fuck.
How am I supposed to swallow it if it tastes like spoiled milk mixed with rusty nails? Quickly. (In the future, tell him less red meat and more pineapple juice.)
Is fisting creepy and unnatural, or just taboo experimentation? Fisting is when you use your fist. Quit assigning value judgments to consensual sex acts.
Why do...
On christopher hitchens.
Tell me something to stop me crying over this shit. The one fucking author I cared about.
He wasn’t just an author. He was a teacher, our favorite one, equal parts magnificent bastard and magnificent source of enlightenment. We had a personal relationship with his words.
To some of us, Hitch was the father of our intellect. We came of age with him showing us the very best of ourselves —...
On what you're owed.
I am soon to be finishing my degree, and I am in a similar situation as that person whose father makes a lot of money and now has a second family, but didn’t help at all with their education. I don’t feel like I’m owed anything, but I recently found out that he’s been telling our extended family that he has been paying for my education this whole time.
I’ve had to...
On the nice guy.
I’m “the nice guy” that is best friends with girls but never has sex with them. I had two girlfriends in high school for a month each and none since then. Every time I try to hook up with a girl she stops and leaves. I’m shy, so I have a hard time meeting girls. I know I’m my own worst enemy. I don’t drink and I don’t do drugs, and its hard to meet people...
On keeping your soul or your job.
Dear Coquette,
I recently graduated, moved to a new city, and in the interest of, you know, surviving, got a part-time retail job. The problem with this job is that it’s a company that really pushes their credit cards on people. All the managers talk about is how many cards we’ve hoodwinked people into signing up for that day. Also, they keep track of how many cards each employee gets and reward...
1 tag
On your dad's money.
Dear Coquette,
My dad is an idiot. He has three kids, and one stepkid who is significantly younger (comes with marrying someone 10 years your junior). He makes upwards of $300,000 a year. Now I’m living in poverty. I just graduated college and I am $70,000 in debt right off the bat because he didn’t help me with one cent of college. He was far too busy buying boats and multiple cars, not to...
On open break-up season.
My boyfriend and I have had trouble with him lying about the little things, which I called him on and he promised he wouldn’t do anymore. Then there were the girls who flock around him and let’s just say there were some unfortunate circumstances that ended up in our relationship souring for a little while. He made a few changes, but now the girls are back and the lies might be back,...
On north vs south and east vs west.
Dear Coquette,
I live in New York City and I’ve been offered a full-tuition scholarship to Vanderbilt University. I am afraid that if I take this opportunity and attend Vanderbilt, I will not like it. I am a liberal and I believe most Southerners are conservatives. I just don’t want to move there and have a horrible four years of college. What should I do?
Slow your roll, city mouse. Just...
On teenage body issues.
I literally hate my body. I’m eighteen and I’ve been overweight (not seriously, but just slightly) since childhood. The last year or so I lost about twenty pounds but I just can never be happy with where I am. I am a totally average weight now and eat healthy, work out regularly, etc. but I just cannot get over my utter lack of confidence. How the hell do I get over this crap enough to...
On a bit more forgiveness.
Short question: Do you think forgiveness entails prosociality towards the forgiven person, or just a return back to “normal.” Or as normal as it was?
Forgiveness is not the same thing as absolution. A person you’ve forgiven isn’t free from the consequences of their behavior just because you’ve let go of your anger and resentment.
It’s a wonderful thing to...
1 tag
On forgiving and forgiveness.
Dear Coquette,
My dad had an affair with my mom’s (now ex) best friend, a woman who I grew up with as my “auntie.” It’s been about four years now and they are still together. She and I just cannot get along. We can be civil, but it’s really uncomfortable. I moved out of my dad’s at 17 because of it, and while I know it was the right decision for me, I barely have a relationship with him anymore....
November 2011
12 posts
On experimenting.
My boyfriend and I had this idea: he has Coke in his mouth and I have Mentos and then we make out. How bad of an idea is this? For anything interesting to happen, it would have to be Diet Coke, and you two would have to kiss like those creepy couples from the Virgin Diaries on TLC.
On making it.
Tomorrow I am going to represent my first client (I just became an attorney) at a pre-trial. I. Am. Terrified. I graduated top of my class, studied hard, did internships, learned from the best attorneys around, “shadowed” attorneys and judges. I know what to say. I know what to do. But, it still feels like opening night of the high school play… I hope I don’t forget my...
1 tag
On more fun-sized advice.
Dear Coquette,
I just turned 18 and I seem to be uncertain about everything in my life. Is that normal? Yep. Get used to it. Better yet, get comfortable with it. It’ll make you less susceptible to advertising.
Where is the line between having style and being obsessed with physical appearance? Vanity.
Outside of getting a therapist and/or a puppy, is there any basic advice you can suggest for...
On sex and anthropology.
It’s really interesting to me. I just learned a lot about evolution and how it affects sex appeal today. I learned it’s actually how women evolved to want to be in a monogamous relationship, or have some sort of stability. When humans first evolved to walking on two legs, there was no place for the baby to rest on their backs, so women had to carry their babies. Because of this, they...
On only you.
Fuck that. I want one man to love only me. That’s how you get appreciated properly.
Whatever, bitch. Sex isn’t the same thing as love, and getting appreciated isn’t the same thing as being respected.
It’s fine if you want to be monogamous, but my way of thinking wouldn’t scare the shit out of you if you understood the difference.
Call me ignorant all you want, but...
1 tag
On opening your relationship.
Dear Coquette,
I have struck gold. I found the most amazing man. I cannot even begin to describe to you all of the ways that he astounds and inspires me. We are deeply in love and have been together for some time. Lately I have been struggling with a conflict in some part of myself. It started when his ex-girlfriend moved back into town, or rather, I became more acutely aware of my personal...
1 tag
On forgiveness.
Dear Coquette,
I’m 27 and have been estranged from my father for nearly a decade. When he left us, he took off with the woman he was cheating on my mother with.
Life with him before he left us was hell. He was, and presumably still is, an abusive alcoholic. I vividly remember him picking me up by the back of my shirt when I was about 7 and throwing me down the hall. He would mercilessly beat the...
On tomorrow.
Your best friend got married before you. Drinkin hateraid or Sunny D?
Before me? It’s not a race, bitch. That shit ain’t a finish line. Tomorrow is just another party with an open bar. My girl has been lucky in love for three years now, and I’m so fucking happy for her.
I’m so blissed out right now.
Gotta go party.
Love you all.
On vacation.
where did you go? you never write on here anymore! i know you wont reply but just thought you should know we miss your bitch ass. I’m in Cabo for another week doing the maid-of-honor thing at my best friend’s wedding. I’m crazy busy, plus the internet here is worse than my Spanish, so I won’t be posting much until I get back.
On a very sad person.
My mother was physically and emotionally abusive to my siblings when we were growing up. We’re all adults now but the emotional abuse continues. I haven’t seen her in five years but we still speak on the phone and at this point I realize that I’m only keeping any sort of contact out of some misplaced sense of obligation or some fear - I’m not really sure, because she almost...
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
Dear Coquette,
Does size really matter? Yes
What is the difference between a “slow burn” relationship and a lukewarm one? Fire.
Do we still live in a postmodern world? I prefer Bret Easton Ellis’s notion of post-empire.
Would you allow yourself to be described as a socialite? No, I work for a living. To be called a socialite implies otherwise.
What are your opinions on being...
October 2011
17 posts
On your costume.
I recently said, “three cheers for slutty Pocahontas costumes.” to which a friend of mine replied, “You mean sexy. Don’t be an oppressor.” My defense was that I was slut celebrating, not slut shaming. To my mind, there’s nothing wrong with sluts, but I can see how it has negative connotations for people with less flexible definitions. So, I’m going to stop...
On occupying wall street.
You said in “On Occupying Wall Street” to call you when there’s blood in the streets. Now that it’s been a month, and there’s blood running in the streets, has your opinion changed at all?
Sure, my opinion has changed. A month ago Occupy Wall Street was fairly flaccid and unimpressive, but now it’s a rock hard, throbbing populist movement pounding away at the...
On cancer.
Dear Coquette,
I’m 23 and I just found out that I have a tumor in my brain. The oncologist said it was inoperable and that with treatment, I have about 15-24 months; without treatment, who knows.
I haven’t told anyone this yet, but I am going to, and while I’m willing to go see any and every doctor, if they all say the same thing as my initial oncologist, I’m not going to spend the last months...
On after the third date.
Gave online dating a shot, thought I had met a nice guy. Date One consisted of Farmers Market, food trucks, bloody marys and coffees and lasted 5 hours. Great conversation/banter. Second date good but not great, Indian Food, no booze. On Date 3 went to his place, he cooked steaks and 3 bottles of wine later we had sex. A few times. Texted a few days later to thank him for dinner, he responded...
On asking the right questions.
What is your definition of madness? When is the line drawn between creativity and insanity? Can madness sometimes be a symptom belonging to brilliance? - Crazy Artist
What is your definition of pretentious? When is the line drawn between having no talent and being full of shit? Can taking yourself too seriously be a symptom belonging to idiots? - Crazy Bitch
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
Dear Coquette,
What are you going to dress up as for halloween? Boo, the world’s cutest dog. If you had to choose one of the GOP candidates, who would it be? Fred Karger. What are you currently reading? Yes, I’m looking for a new stimulating book to read. “This Is Where I Leave You,” by Jonathan Tropper. It’s hilarious and heartfelt. Do you read books on paper exclusively? How do you feel...
On getting healthy.
So contrary to today’s question asker I am fat… I am obese. I am a size 24 and I need lose weight. The issue is that I come from an extremely dysfunctional family. I am the most successful of my siblings - I went to college and have a degree, I have a great job, own my own place and have a nice car. Both of my siblings are divorced, neither really went to college - my brother is a...
On your weight.
I’m a size 6. I’m not unhappy with my weight, but I’m not happy with it either. The problem is, I love to eat way too much. I have no self control. I’m not sure whether I should try to lose weight or not. It’s going to take a lot of will power and it’s going to be a challenge. And I’m not FAT, I’m just not skinny. Losing the weight would make me feel...
1 tag
On slut shaming and more.
Dear Coquette,
I blackballed a girl from living with me and my friends in our 10-person house this year, even though we had room (I’m in college). We felt that the girl was too much of a slutty party girl to live with us.
Now I am trying to make it up to her by being extra nice and inviting her out with us. She’s made it clear that she isn’t interested in accepting my apology. I am guilt-ridden...