December 2009
44 posts
1 tag
On pussy perfection.
what are your tips for a perfect pussy, without waxing? i ask you because i feel like you would know.
You have to be clean. More than that. You have to want to be clean. All the time.
Shave everything. I use a man razor. A fucking Mach3 Turbo. Fuck that Venus shit, and don’t even talk to me about disposable razors.
Use lotion. Never be without lotion. Keep it with you at all times. You...
On your boyfriend's crazy ex.
The guy I’m currently dating broke up with his girlfriend and started dating me less than a week after. I don’t know if he dumped her FOR me, but that’s besides the point. The point is that the psycho bitch has resurfaced after a month and a half of silence by calling and saying things like “I want you to push me up against a wall and fuck me” (which is interesting...
1 tag
On more fun sized advice.
What made you want to start giving advice?
I don’t know. I guess I’m just a nosey cunt.
What are your tips for getting into a good college?
Have wealthy parents.
Coke Talk, what would it be like to fuck you?
Oh hey, Tiger Woods.
Are there many differences from you and the girls on The Hills?
Sure. When asked to be on a reality show, I said no.
I think I love you…
Put a...
On post traumatic stress.
I was nearly raped a while back. He got on top of me, hurt me and tried to push himself inside me, but I fought him off before it got much worse.
I had a partner at the time (Who I am still with) and my problem is this: I’m terrified of sex now. Kissing and touching is fine, but when it moves beyond a certain point I freeze up and become unresponsive.
I’m not sure what to do. I hate...
On emotional blackmail.
Hey. I feel really dumb asking this. I just don’t know where else to get opinions. OK. So. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years. We loved eachother in the begining. Everything was great. But now, i just feel like the relationship has died, and we just keep dragging it on when in reality there’s nothing left. we just fightandfightandfight, and fake being happy. And I’m...
On one big lip.
i have large labia. but only on one side, the other looks perfectly nice. what’s wrong with my vagina. it’s putting me off having sex with my boyfriend.
I’m just imagining your gynecologist as that small town doctor from Forrest Gump. “Well my dear, your vagina is strong, but your labia is as crooked as a politician! We’re gon’ fit you with a set of these here...
1 tag
On sob stories.
hi, there. this is going to be a little hard for me to write out, but here goes. i was with this guy for about a year, and out of the blue, he breaks up for me. sure, i was broken hearted, but that i could learn to get over. about a month or so later, i had to abort the child my doctor told me i was likely to miscarry. i hold on to feelings of my ex, but i think it’s only because the thought...
On ecstasy sex.
sex on e? i heard you’re not supposed to fuck when you’re rolling. the one time i tried to do it the guy couldn’t even get it up. you’re opinion please.
Ecstasy is a sensual drug, not a sexual drug. By itself, it has a tendency to delay orgasm in women, and it makes it damn near impossible for guys to get it up. You can make out all night like teenagers in love, but there...
1 tag
On prescription drugs.
Ok, so I’ve done drugs before. I’m not necessarily naive. I’ve had lots of fun doing K, E, and blow for a long time now but for fear of sounding lame I feel like taking my drug habit a bit more legit. How do I go about getting Oxycontin or Dexedrin or something along those lines?
No, no, no. Just because a doctor writes you a note, it doesn’t make getting high legitimate....
On unmanly men.
My boyfriend cooks… Lovely. My boyfriend cleans… Handy. My boyfriend watches Real Housewives… Uhm. My boyfriend has a Twilight poster… IS HE GAY?
Probably not.
Although I’m willing to bet he was raised by a single mom.
On consequences.
A long time ago I needed cash. A guy paid me to do some foot fetish stuff for him on camera. Kinky, bdsm related. No sex or nudity. Under a fake name. Kind of…silly. It didn’t turn me on but it didn’t particularly bother me either. I had no regrets until I found out the guy is selling and distributing the footage (ha) on the internet.
Now. I know this is illegal because I never...
On ending it already.
I have girlfriend for six years and I am 21 btw. The thing is I think we don’t have a lot of common interests. I want to break up. The problem is, Ma’am, she loves me so much and wants to marry with me one day. I don’t want to marry with her and also I don’t want her to waste her time with me. When I try to explain myself about this situation she starts to cry hard and...
On the day after.
So I am writing you from bed. It is almost 3 pm, I didn’t go to sleep until 9 am, and had the most fun coked out night with my girlfriends. But my question is this, I hate being so useless the next day. Is this a sign of bad coke, doing too much, or just being a pussy and not wanting to get out of bed? What are your routines or advice for the day after an amazing night (and morning)?...
On decorum.
How do you disguise this coketalk dimension of yourself, while at your ‘day job’?
Dude, that’s like asking how I keep from masturbating at the airport. It’s a little thing called self control. That, and I can keep a fucking secret or two.
On bi boyfriends.
Should I be worried if my bisexual boyfriend is going to gay bars with his friends? It never used to bother me that he likes to drink and flirt with cute boys because honestly I enjoy doing the same thing. But lately I am starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t take this so lightly. What do you think?
Um, what do you want me to tell you? If you sign up for a bisexual boyfriend, those are...
1 tag
On nose jobs.
You wouldn’t happen to know how long after a nose job you can do coke again would you?
Hardcore bitches don’t even remove the gauze.
2 tags
On the future.
I just wanted to say thank you for writing dearcoketalk. Yes, it’s maybe what I spent the majority of last night doing… but fuck, it was good. I’ve never done coke before, but when I read your writing, I feel like I’m doing lines of high-quality blow. I get this subtle rush that edges in and realize fuckyeah, life is awesome. Having only done methylone and some...
1 tag
On foolproof technique.
My boyfriend has a ridiculously long endurance when it comes to oral sex. How do I make him cum faster?
While you work the shaft, have another girl lick his balls.
1 tag
On archetype.
What are your unabashed thoughts on the Manic Pixie Dream Girl?
She’s the post-adolescent male version of a hyper-idealized romantic fantasy. In other words, Edward Cullen with tits instead of fangs.
She’s basically a femme fatale for guys that are pussies.
Pretty harmless, really.
On party tips.
“If you wanna know how to whip up a holiday batch of ketamine using peppermint extract, or about proper finger etiquette when sticking ecstasy up a friend’s ass, then sure — I’m your girl.”
Ooh, go ahead with these, please.
Not to be all Martha Stewart or anything, but if you add a splash of peppermint extract to your liquid ketamine before cooking it down to powder, it’s...
On making a new frenemy.
My boyfriend has been friends with this girl since they were children. They dated once when they were much younger but she cheated on him and needless to say things didn’t work out. She flirts with him in front of me and is passive-aggressively a bitch to me. I tell him this bothers me. He doesn’t seem to notice her antics and claims I’m being jealous. I say I don’t want to be around her so he...
1 tag
On teenage flirting.
Im 15, and it seems to be that all of a sudden every new guy I meet and even old friends are starting to view me as a sex object. Guys that used to talk to me about their girlfriends and ask me about my day are starting to ask me for nudes. I actually feel like I havent had a non-sexual conversation with a male of my age in quite awhile. Except one. He’s immature and awkward, but I can tell...
On three little words.
I (31 yrs old) told my partner (23 yrs old) of 2+ months yesterday that I love him (because I do). He didn’t reciprocate the verbalization, but he acted very happy- smiling from ear to ear, hugging me, laying on top of me, making out, etc. When asked, he said that it didn’t freak him out and that everything’s fine; i have nothing to worry about.
While he hasn’t yet said...
1 tag
On one step at time.
Turning drunken sex into a meaningful, life-long partnership - is it as hard as it looks?
Sounds sarcastic, but jesus it’s a real problem, you know?
Drunken sex? Hell, turning anything into a life-long partnership is hard.
Quit looking for the person you want in the grave next to you, and just find somebody you don’t mind mind waking up in the bed next to you.
1 tag
On bitterness.
Best way to start dating again if still bitterly single from last meaningful relationship? And don’t say tequila, xanax or drunken sex.
How ‘bout you lose the attitude?
It doesn’t matter how much of an asshole your ex was. You are responsible for your own emotional state. It’s your own fault if you’re bitter. Get over it.
If you’re packing all this emotional...
1 tag
On the brutal truth.
All women have their “oh god i’m hideous and ugly and fat” days. What should we do to make ourselves feel better?
Lose weight.
On fag hag nags.
I am a selfish but content fag with a female friend who is a sympathy addict and pill-head basket case. How do I escape her woe is me shit?
Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on during legitimate crisis, but crisis isn’t supposed to be constant. If she’s a gaping sink hole of endless chaos and drama, you might want to decide whether you want her in your life at all.
If you do,...
On depression.
Over the past couple/few months I’ve been feeling really fucking down. I barely manage to get out of bed, the slightest things are making me burst into tears, I don’t want to see anybody and for the first time in my life I’ve actually been thinking about how I wouldn’t care if I died tomorrow.
I was thinking about going to the doctor, I just don’t want them to put it...
On teenage break-ups.
I’m seventeen and a couple of months ago I did something which was very painful: I dumped my former boyfried (my first one by the way), who was the typical “perfect in paper” boy and who I loved very much, but with who I had never been in love and didn’t like anymore after four months with him. He was totally devoted to me, he adored me, spoiled me and had told me I was the...
1 tag
On pursuing your dream.
I’m an 18 year old, first semester english major THE premier community college of NYC, and working my ass off to go to a big kid school, while working my ass off to feed my working ass. You’re interesting and funny, something I find really awesome and your opinion is one that has grown to be important to me. I hope to be a ‘successful novelist,’ but lets face it,...
On a cure for boredom.
i got kicked out of college last week, yeah i fucked up blah blah blah… I wondered if you had any suggestions on what i should do from now until next september when i reapply? i have a part time job already but i need something else to do to stop me from shooting myself in the face out of boredem. something a bit crazy, but plausible. ta. Join a cult.
1 tag
On fucking your way to the middle.
How do you know when to call it quits with a fuckbuddy?
A few issues: He’s my boss. He’s practically engaged (he’s shown me the $20k ring, which I find outrageous), and has said that he “loves everything about me and would totally date me if it weren’t for his girlfriend”.
I don’t want to date him and I know that things will eventually change (or so he...
On keeping your distance.
You give the best advice I know of, and I’m a little stuck, so let’s give this a try.
I’ve been in a fantastic relationship with an amazing guy - let’s call him Jasper - for a little over a year and a half. When we first started going out, one of his friends (who he had previously made out with but never had an actual romantic relationship with), I’ll call her Grace,...
2 tags
On forgiveness.
I’m 27 years old and have decided to take control of my life.
At age sixteen repressed memories of my brother, who is five years older than me, molesting me came rushing back and the confident, outgoing, happy-go-lucky girl I used to be was taken over by someone who lived in a fear of men so constant that I gained 80 pounds in a year, and made myself into “the friend” so no guy...
On becoming swingers.
My boyfriend and I have been together since I was 19. I’m now 24 and feel that I have missed out on my single life. I’ve only been with him sexually and also feel that I have missed out on sexual opportunities. When I first starting feeling this way I also felt very guilty since my boyfriend has been nothing less of great to me. There is not a single thing to make me want to leave him...
On gay means happy.
in the past two months, i think i’ve become more self-aware than i have in most of my teenage existence. i realized i was gay in around seventh grade, hooked up with one measley [asian] kid my junior year, and here i am three years later, still alone.
i know i shouldn’t be so upset with the fact that i’m still a virgin, but it frustrates me to no end. my own mother told me that...
On not getting the joke.
“Somewhere back at LAX, I imagine there is a TSA break room where Shanaynay and Shaniqua are wearing my blonde and red wigs while singing karaoke into my travel dildo.”
“The moral of the story is pretty simple — white people are benevolent do-gooders, and black people are helpless, scary animals”
I guess they can be luggage handlers or thieves too?
Well, aren’t...
1 tag
On platonic vs. romantic.
Every guy I ever get really close to always seems to regard me as “just friends.” Shouldn’t it be the other way around? I mean, I don’t think I’m an unattractive girl. I’m cute, at the very least, I have honkin’ boobs, and I’m not unwilling to hook up. So what’s stopping all these guys from liking me? I don’t have bad personality,...
1 tag
On standards.
So a few girlfriends and I recently just went to the bar. After getting our drink on for a few hours, some guy came over and was talking to us. We were all flirting with him and he got one friend’s number at the bar. Meanwhile, he was feeling me up under the table. As we were leaving, he whispered “Don’t go” and asked for my number. As soon as we got home, he texted my...
On living with parents.
I want to first start by saying you reeeeeally helped me in a previous question I asked (moving the fuck on).
Anyway, I have a friend, who’s family has always kind of treated her like a step child. Her sis is the princess (mind you a princess who said she was going out of state for one week to vacation and ended up staying there to live with a boy, boy got her pregnant, some months later...
On me not being a doctor.
On your most recent advice: if the dude is up on his STD game, he’ll know that pretty much the only way to find out you have herpes is to have an outbreak. Some clinics tell you this, some don’t, but herpes tests aren’t really worth a damn. Most who have herpes will test negative on a blood screen if they’re not having an outbreak at the time. Just fyi.
So, yeah. Sorry. I...
On the lesser of two evils.
Im 30 and I think Ive finally found a guy I can stick with for longer than 3 months. Thing is, one of my ex’s gave me genital herpes and I dont know if I should tell this guy. Ive never told any of my boyfriends between STI guy and current guy but for some reason, with this guy, I keep thinking I should tell him. On the other hand I figure if he proposes, thats when I tell him, haha. Ive...
On how not to do it.
Dear aging bitch,
Do you believe in SSRIs?
Really? You’re gonna call me names and then ask my opinion? Hey, nobody asked you to write in. This isn’t fucking homework. Now apologize and ask nicely.