February 2010
59 posts
1 tag
On haunted vaginas.
Recently, I’ve noticed that occasionally my vagina actually literally has steam come out of it. When I try to look up the reason behind this, I just get a bunch of porn. Point is- Is this normal?
Is the steam accompanied by the sound of truck brakes? Are you a Warner Brothers cartoon from the forties? No? Well then, steam coming out of your pussy is not normal.
By the way, steam is...
January 2010
34 posts
On open relationships.
My bf wants a open relationship and Im not too into that sorta thing but I love him too much to let him go, so should I just let him get his way.
Wow. No. Where’s your fucking dignity?
If you don’t want to fuck other people, and you don’t want him to fuck other people, then you shouldn’t be in an open relationship. He either respects you enough not to cheat, or you...
1 tag
On laziness.
I would consider myself an artist; to be specific, a painter, and attend art school, however I feel like I’m not doing enough. I do what I’m assigned, and truly do feel deeply passionate about the work I produce. There is no question in my mind that this is what I want to pursue for the rest of my life. But the problem is, unless I’m specifically what to do, I find myself too lazy to take the...
1 tag
On girl boners.
I get hot even looking at silly girly things. I’m glad girls don’t get boners. What’s up with me?
Are you kidding? I get massive throbbing purple-headed girl boners all the time. That shit gets unwieldy.
Nothing’s wrong with you, sweetie. Enjoy every second of it.
On my haters.
I doubt that you are a coke whore from LA. You are probably a 15 year old girl who sits at home, virgin obviously, and never touched drugs in your life, and answers others problems. Prove me wrong.
If a drug-free, never-been-fucked, fifteen year old girl could write this shit, wouldn’t that be more impressive?
I love getting mail from my haters, but sometimes I wish they brought a little...
On self worth.
I’m so tired of being wrong all the time. I literally can not do a single thing without my boyfriend telling me I did it wrong, or saying that I shouldn’t have, or getting annoyed with me for no reason. I shower him with affection! I buy him things all the time, I put out regularly, and I clean up around the house. He’s stressed out because of money issues right now but...
1 tag
On honesty and integrity.
How do I go about becoming more honest?
I’m 28 and have been smoking since I was 20 and I’ve never told my parents. I just don’t want to deal with the condescension and judgement that will come with my upper class liberal parents knowing that I smoke. And that’s how I deal with most things, if it’s easier, and cleaner to deal with a white(ish) lie than to deal with...
On that bitch at the office.
I recently started a new job. It’s been years since my last stint in an office, and I am out of practice dealing with the nasty, subsurface shit. Specifically, there is a middle-aged woman who thinks that my body is an acceptable topic of conversation. I am six feet tall, and her witty greeting the first time we met was ‘You’re tall!’ Unfortunately, this is a typical dumbfuck thing for people to...
1 tag
On your ass in the mirror.
Do you have any advice for girl’s with body issues? I beat myself up over this newly developed cellulite that I assume just comes with the territory of getting older (I’m 27). I am in really good shape but can’t help but get depressed whenever I see my ass in the mirror.
When you turn around to look at yourself, arch your back, lean forward at the waist, and stick your butt up...
1 tag
On life's little mysteries.
Why the fuck is there a light in the refrigerator but not in the freezer? I mean, I know they make those side to side ones that have them, but I’m talking traditional old frig/freezer combos, stacked.
Please, please answer this question. I have a bet with my dog and if he wins another one I’m going to have to reconsider living.
There are no lights in freezers for the same reason...
1 tag
On lip piercing.
What are your thoughts on the Monroe piercing? I’ve never had a facial piercing before, but I’m pretty sure I could rock it. Plus I’m a college student, and I work in an environment that is down with body modification (to an extent). But does it scream “rebelling adolescent?” I’d rather avoid that.
Don’t worry. These days, a monroe piercing does not...
1 tag
On nationality.
What are your thoughts on dating Persian men?
Based on the overly aggressive, mildly annoying way you submitted this question seventeen times in a row, I’m gonna go ahead and assume that you’re Persian.
I’m also going to assume that what you’re really doing is asking me to speak on behalf of all LA party girls as to why you’re constantly being rejected in the clubs....
On the way he was raised.
Four months ago I started going out with my current boyfriend, who had been a friend for a long time. Right before we had started dating, I had met a different guy at a party and we had started “thinking about dating,” but when my current boyfriend told me that he wanted to go out with me, I chose him over the new guy. Current boyfriend is still jealous of the (old) new guy, even...
1 tag
On subtlety.
What do you do if you want to get a guy’s attention? Start with the “subtle” options then work your way up?
I hope you appreciate the irony of putting emphasis on the word subtle.
By the way, just because you use quotation marks as if you’re winking at me, it doesn’t mean I can read your mind or anything. I have no idea whether you’re implying...
1 tag
On me.
I thought I would flip things and ask a question regarding you for a change. From your earlier posts, it seems that you are in the throws of a long distance relationship. How have you been able to keep this relationship going and stable? Do you both not mind each other sleeping with other people? I know you feel sex is one thing and love it quite a different beast, however, how do/did you come to...
On the whore's fallacy.*
In the past I’ve been a cam girl, a sugar baby, a dominatrix, and an escort. The money for all of these things was phenomenal. I’d love to become a stripper. My (AMAZING but very vanilla) bf doesn’t approve of any of these things. Do I keep the boy, stay broke and have love? Or do I make my shitloads of money off sex work and come home to an empty bed at night? I’m 21.
...
1 tag
On giving up brain cells.
I was wondering about your use of cocaine. You seem like a highly intelligent woman, and yet I was under the assumption that cocaine kills brain cells? Especially after repeated use.
Forgive me for any ignorance.
Sure, cocaine might kill a few brain cells. You know what else might? Damn near every other modern product you can drink, swallow, or inhale, starting with that vodka tonic you’re...
On early grieving of a lifelong addict.
I’ve been reading your advice Tumblr for about 2 months, give or take, now - and while at the time I wasn’t at a point in my life where I desperately needed an answer to a question from a perceptive and anonymous quasi-blogger, I am definitely there now.
My father was brilliant and handsome - legitimately a genius, but often as the result of a neglectful childhood and bad influences,...
On being too stupid for advice.
i have a querstion.
im dating this man, but he’s living with his parents. he’s graduating in may with his degree, but is being charged with felony failure to render aid because of an accident he got into last year. he really is an amazing man, who has had no type of problems with the law in the past. i went to see him yesterday and he was drinking and told me that he wanted to see me...
On fighting.
My boyfriend and I have been fighting entirely too much lately, and to put it bluntly, it fucking sucks. I rely on him for a place to live and for my er, needs. Breaking up is a non-option both because of what I just mentioned, and because I love the guy, I just don’t love the fights. For some reason we just can’t do anything without one of us over reacting about what the other said....
On a graceful exit.
Part two of On Your Boyfriend’s Crazy Ex:
So I’ve been dumped.
Didn’t have the time/balls to talk to him about it before his three-week long holiday departure, and within four days of his return he broke it off stating that it wasn’t fair for him to be with me when he maybe might still have an emotional connection with someone else (the psycho.) The thing is he...
1 tag
On contemplating murder.
On days when I’m not thinking about killing myself (I won’t; my tits are too nice to waste), I’m contemplating murdering the man who abused me mentally, physically and sexually for most of my adolescence. It’s been, damn, 13 years since he left me a crumpled heap, and I’m now a mostly successful, functioning, married adult. But I can’t let it go and I’m...
1 tag
On feminism and porn.
Am I a hypocrite if I believe in feminism and want to be a respected woman, but I like watching porn?
What kind of porn are we talking about?
Better yet, what kind of feminism are we talking about?
If you’re an old-school iron cunt — one of those angry, man-hating second-wave feminists leftover from the early 70s — and you secretly get off to bukkake gangbangs, then sure, that’s...
1 tag
On a slow burn.
So there’s this boy. He is very, very attractive, and he finds me to be the same. I feel no sparks when we hold hands, although I am desperately happy to not be alone. We always run out of things to say when we’re together. He does all sorts of extra things to spend time with me, but when he gives me roses I’m so much more excited about the prospect of having roses than him being...
On a thieving boyfriend.
im 17 and my boyfriend has a key to my house. when i was flying back to my mom’s, he asked me what time my dad would be picking me up from the airport. while my dad was picking me up, someone went into my house. when i looked around, all i saw missing was an ipod dock. a couple days later, my dad realized his pricey camera was missing. when i was going through my browser history, i happened...
On being a third wheel.
My two closest friends, a guy and a girl, are dating. When the three of us first starting hanging out, they had sex on a pretty regular basis but were just “friends”. That was fine with me because I had no feelings for her or anything, but then she ended up showing interest in me, too. Her and I started hanging out without the other dude and I started to like her too. Unfortunately,...
1 tag
On whether to text first.
I hooked up with this guy I have liked for a while last friday. It is now Sunday and he has not texted me or tried to make any communication. I dont want him to think I like him even though i do. should i wait for him to text me, or should i text him first?
Wait a few years until you mature into an emotionally honest woman who has enough self respect not to play silly mind games with her cell...
On premature ejaculation.
Every guy I’ve ever been with has came in less than 5 minutes in bed. I’m not exactly sure if I’m just the shit in the sack or I make bad picks, but either way I’m getting no satisfaction. How can I help this?
Not to be a grammar nazi, but in this context I believe the past tense of “has came” is simply “cums.” That is to say, every guy you’re...
1 tag
On how to break up.
I have a boyfriend of 3 months and am not happy. I try to break-up with him, but every time he cries and whines that he’ll do better. He’s a bad liar and a cheap date. How should I break up with him?
Pick up the phone. Dial his number. When he answers, say the following:
“Hey asshole, we are broken up. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Lose my fucking...
1 tag
On bloody sex.
I recently started talking with a guy who is into bloodlust. messy, bloody, cutting, sex. I never understood it before, but the way he talks about it makes me melt. I want to give it a try, but it makes me a little nervous. I feel like I should take this opportunity because I know that it is a rare one. Think I should go for it?
Fine. Experiment with bloodplay. Whatever.
Silly little vampire...
1 tag
On dating judgmental bores.
I’ve found myself dating a woman who does not party and isn’t terribly friendly to the ideals of those who like to get down. Do you think this kind of thing can work out long term?
Sure. Especially in the long term, because after a while you won’t even notice that your balls are missing.
The trick is ignoring the pain of your castration in the short term.
2 tags
On expanding your mind.
Aside from drugs and sex what activities would you recommend for a girl in her twenties with an interest in mind-expansion?
Get a passport. Use it as often as possible. Read. Books, that is. Ones without pictures. Surround yourself with brilliant and fascinating people. Say yes whenever you can, except to religion and authority. Create things. Fall in and out of love. Never forget that you will...
On relationship training wheels.
One drunken night a friend and I hooked up. Knowing about his track record and how he talks about his sexcapades I figured our friendship would be fine. Our once long, fun, interesting conversations don’t exsist any more. We’ve never been really close, but we have been (like I said) friends for a little over two years. He rarely talks to me now and can’t look me in the eye...
On lube.
My boyfriend and I are experimenting with different kinds of lubricant. Which kinds would you recommend?
Astroglide is fine, but if you’re ready to move beyond grocery store lube, there’s no better brand than Sliquid.
My personal favorite is Sliquid Silk, because it’s a best-of-both-worlds blend of both water-based and silicone lubricant.