October 2010
39 posts
On bad planning.
ok, i’m coked out and i haven’t slept at all. what’s the best way to deal with the parentals meeting me the following morning?
Step one: a long hot shower followed by fresh clothes. Step two: healthy food. Eating is a must, preferably fresh fruit and a little protein. Try not to carb load or you’ll go into a food coma.
I know you’re probably tempted to level...
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
What’s a classy way of rejecting guys that try to pick you up at a bar? Six little words. “I’m flattered, but I’m not available.”
I’m moving to LA to be an actor. Any tips? Shut up and bring me the menu. Just kidding, you’re gonna be a star.
how can i loose 10 pounds before thanksgiving With a guillotine.
How do you decide to end a relationship of 5...
On more stupid teenage shit.
I’m 16 years old. And I really want to get a tattoo, but my parents won’t let me. It isn’t even something prominent! Just a word on my finger. But no. They’re acting all parent-y and lecturing me about it. I understand that they don’t want me to get something I would regret later, but I’m really sure about this. How do I convince them? :/
Jesus fuck, will whiny...
On taking a guess.
Lemmie guess, you’re really a nerdy girl who, like many nerdy girls who learn to use makeup, discover (or not) they’re actually pretty and then begin to hang out with a less-than-honorable crowd only to realize this in time and, with the help of friends, was able to find a balance between the stuff that you like doing and the stuff that needs doing. Right?
Ugh. You can tell when a guy...
On bubbles.
Woah woah, are you saying you’re NOT fascinated by bubbles? It’s a fucking GAS surrounded by a few-molecule-thick film of mostly water being held together, mostly by electromagnetic interactions of polar molecules. I mean, fuck, if you can’t find fascination in the wonders of the universe life’s gotta suck…
I stand corrected.
On going mainstream.
I feel that you’re trying to push the “coke talk” costume a little too hard. Don’t get me wrong or nothing, I am a huge fan and spend hours reading the “in your face advice” that you give like some form of agoraphobic, anti socialite. It just seems like you’re trying to become a little too main stream and want some form of zombie cult worshipping you...
On a ridiculous predicament.
So, I got myself in a ridiculous predicament. See, I’m gay, but I’m not out yet, which is hard enough as it is, but I’ve got a huge crush on this guy and I can’t really figure out how to navigate the situation. The thing is, I’m his tutor, so I have to see him three times a week no matter what; also, if he were to say no, I could get in a lot of trouble (I can’t...
On sam harris and logical fallacy.
Right, reliable, rational data. Data that cannot possibly account for actual human emotion. Just because he throws out “neuroscience” your panties get all wet believing he’s truly on to something. It is so naive to believe this would have a different outcome than religion. He still wants to tell people how to live. However rational it may be, not everyone wants to change. So does...
On how do you like them apples.
Sam Harris; religion bad, we get it. And does he really say anything that B.F. Skinner hasn’t already?
You’re a psych major. We get it. Tell whatever professor that made this comparison for you that Harris isn’t a radical behaviorist, and where his argument has an twinge of determinism, it’s backed up with his own neuroimaging data.
Skinner was a genius, but ultimately a...
On what la does to women.
This is relative to “On Quitting.” I also achieved my dream job, but with barely enough pay to get through my rent and bills. I moved from Brooklyn to L.A., so I really don’t have a support system. Not that being skinny isn’t awesome, but I’ve shrank about 45 lbs, leaving me at about 97 lbs (I’m only 5’0, still, that’s pretty close to being an...
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
Are you really Dolly Parton deflating all the rage out of your boobs? Rage? How dare you. That O.G. diva badass and her majestic boobs are filled with nothin’ but love, peace, and bacon grease.
Cold Stone Creamery is amazing. So is cocaine, but I’ve got enough fucking dignity and class not to ask my dealer for the “Gotta Have It” size.
Did you know that you’re...
On teenage love.
Can you be in love with someone after only dating them for a short amount of time? Yes I’m a stupid teenage girl who believes in love, sue me.
Sue you for what? Bubble gum and a sense of entitlement?
Shit sweetie, I’m a bitch, but I’m not so nasty a shrew as to slap away the cartoon song birds that are fluttering around your candy filled head.
Enjoy the rush. Have a blast....
On the right answer.
I had a weekend hook up with a guy. On friday and saturday night he couldn’t get it up but that was blamed on the alcohol.
Sunday night he finally said he didn’t feel any chemistry between us, although we had really good, smart chats and thought I was attractive.
I thanked him for his honesty and said I was fine being friends. For some reason he felt he still needed to tell me he...
On moving on with your life.
I was abused as a child and I’m now 18 years old and living on my own without any family contact, or any contact socially at all. I regularly see my doctor and therapist and I’m on medication and trying my best to lead as best of a life as I can. I’m not fit to work due to my mental health which has been affected quite deeply by my past. I also suffer from a stammer which is also...
On verbal adoration.
Your last letter about the boyfriend who thinks his girlfriend is beautiful got me thinking. My boyfriend never compliments me on my body at all, or gives me That Look (you know, THAT look) that people who lust after other people give each other. I’ve never really had body issues, but I’m beginning to wonder if he’s attracted to me. We have sex a lot, so there’s that, but...
On not purple.
no, i’m not wearing purple on wednesday.
the day i’m asked to wear a color for straight people, is the same day i’ll wear a color for gay people. if gay people want to be treated as equals, they need to realize that being an equal doesn’t mean having a day devoted to yourselves. that’s automatically trying to put yourselves above everyone. i don’t feel like i’m any better than a gay person,...
On purple.
Did the background just change or are the drugs I’m on really spectacular?
Both, I hope.
I’m purple today. Here, and over at the blog. It’s in support of Spirit Day.
Normally, I’m not one for cause colors and raising awareness bullshit. You won’t catch me wearing a pink ribbon or opting for the pink bucket of chicken in support of breast cancer, not because...
On the tyranny of self hate.
My girlfriend hates her body intensely, seeing it as grotesque and flabby and too tall and too square and too boyish. It’s none of those things. She hates it if I compliment it or tell her she’s not any of those things, because she has a “right to feel this way.” What can I do?
Yes, I suppose self hate and body issues are a natural born right to girls across this great...
1 tag
On quitting.
I just got my dream job, I like it, but I think I suck at it. Should I stay right where I am or consider finding something that I can do without getting fired? What kind of punk ass question is this? It’s your dream job. Bust your fucking hump until you reach ninja status or until they have to shovel your emaciated carcass out the door. Don’t you dare fucking quit.
1 tag
On context.
Am I lame for dropping my ice cream on my favorite shoes and then crying in public?
I don’t know. Were you pouting after a dollop of Fragoline Al Vino Rosso Gelato plopped onto your Louboutins at Il Massimo in Milan, or were you throwing a hissy fit after your Gotta Have It sized bowl of Cheesecake Fantasy from Cold Stone Creamery splattered all over your Crocs at the Mall of America?
...
On halloween.
i just found out my suck ass job is gonna require me to work on thee hallow’s eve, but i’ve started buying shit for my coketalk costume. should i just dress up, take photos and troll people on sat and mon?
Hell yes.
The Coke Talk Halloween Costume Challenge is good any and all party days leading up to Halloween, and well into the brunching hour the Monday after.
Yes, that’s...
On dreaming big.
If someone offered you a job writing an advice column for the New York Times, would you give up your anonymity?
Hell no, nor would I have to. Bill Keller knows how to keep a secret. Not that it matters, because the Old Gray Lady is far too dignified to get caught doing lines with a west coast bitch like me.
And really? A Times column? Let’s dream bigger, people. I love the printed word as...
1 tag
On hesitation.
Whenever I think I like someone, I always put up walls. Half the time I’m scared to commit because I don’t think people will be able to handle me. I always end up convincing myself I don’t like them, but I don’t like seeing people get hurt…What’s your opinion on this?
Oh please. You’re the girl standing in the freezer section of the grocery store staring...
1 tag
On more fun sized advice.
What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me — don’t hurt me — no more.
Truth or dare? Do either one with style and you can’t tell the difference.
God, is that you? You’re getting a little too old for this shit, Margaret.
Do you actually say shit like this in real life? All up in yo’ face, mofo.
You’re starting to sound more and more frustrated at the blog. :( What can...
On a complicated dilemma.
I have a dilemma and i need your advice. my best friend’s roommate and i are totally into each other, and the best friend is pissed and is begging me not to hook up with her. In addition, the roommate is currently in a relationship with this really nice guy who’s pretty chill. I don’t want to be a relationship breaker, nor do I want to fuck up my friendship with my best friend....
On the real issue.
Hello, I am in urgent need of counseling. I baked some lovely cupcakes and brought them over to an office party one day. I saw out of the corner of my eye a colleague of mines named Carol spit it out into a napkin and make a disgusted face. When I confronted her, she just smiled and said they were good. But I know she was lying. Now I am extremely depressed; I have not been to work for days and...
On earning your keep.
I know you’re not Miss Manners or anything but you seem to have a sense for modern day social etiquette (plus sass,) so here’s my dilemma: I’m planning on moving in with my boyfriend and another friend of ours in a few months. We will be sharing everything so it seems right to split the rent/ bills in thirds but, as they will both be working full time while I go to school, part...
1 tag
On paying attention.
I assume you are a beautiful girl, and obviously confident and full of spunk (spunk?). Are you flattered, interested, or just pissed and annoyed if a guy in a coffee shop / restaurant / bar asks you out? Should I say something when I see a girl I’m attracted to in these situations, or just keep my fucking mouth shut?
Dude. You should be able to tell whether I’m flattered,...
2 tags
On cocaine.
You are one of my two favorite blogs. Your writing is brilliant. You should know that I lead a completely different lifestyle from yours- I live in the midwest, I don’t know much about the opposite sex, I have never done a drug “harder” than weed, and I was raised Catholic.
Your blog has made me reevaluate my feelings on a multitude of issues, and I thank you for the mental...
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
What does fun sized mean? Smaller than the regular size. (Originally a reference to Halloween candy.)
What were you like as a teenager? Fun sized.
What do you wear to a foam party? I’m a girl… Shame.
I picture you looking like Brody Dalle. Am I even close? Whatever gets you off.
Why do you think scientology is so popular with celebrities? Location, location, location.
What do you...
2 tags
On vapid people.
You seem like the kind of person that would absolutely hate the vapid people you talk about in your blog. What makes you want to stick around L.A.?
The world is full of vapid people, darling. They’re everywhere. At least in Los Angeles there is a whimsy and caprice that gives the pointlessness a certain kind of charm.
Besides, my heart’s not filled with hate. I’ve come to...
1 tag
On getting over an abortion.
I recently had an abortion. My partner had a bit of a tough time dealing with my emotional wreckage afterward so he talked to his mum about what he was feeling. She’s now visiting both of us and cannot stop talking about how excited she is about becoming a grandmother (her step-son and his wife are having a baby). She keeps asking me my opinion on names for the baby, if I want to go shopping...
2 tags
On creation.
Any idea how everything was created? I’m trying to figure out what I believe, and it seems that the process of elimination seems to be the easiest way at this point.
I’m not exactly asking for advice, I know, but I figure your advice would be as good as any (and better than some). Thanks for reading, and thanks for the column!
The problem with creation myths is that they’re the...
1 tag
On teenage individuality.
My family is one in which any individuality on my part is quickly sought out and destroyed. I’m not allowed to wear the fucking nail polish colors my mom dislikes, let alone clothing. And it’s not as though I want to dress like a slut or anything. Not even Goth outfits. It’s just the littlest things. How do I convince her that making me into a carbon copy of herself is not the...
On monogamy and polygamy.
Could you play devil’s advocate for a second and give me an argument regarding why monogamy is better than polygamy?
Asking me to play devil’s advocate implies that I otherwise feel polygamy is somehow superior to monogamy. Don’t put things in my mouth without asking, shithead. Especially words.
First of all, polygamy is not the opposite of monogamy. The terms may share a...
On pros and cons.
Is a Pro vs Cons list a recommendable way of determining whether or not getting back together with my ex is a good idea?
He wants me back and although Im sure I will always have feelings for him in some way (we shared 4 years together), how can I be sure if giving him another chance is a good idea and the relationship just wont go to shit again.. or that he will lie?
Is it possible to regain...
1 tag
On mediocrity.
How do I stop others’ success from making me feel inadequate..? I want to be a doctor but I did horribly my first year of college. My friends are the ideal pre-med students. I feel like there’s no point in trying to compete against them.
You may very well prove to be inadequate, but the success of your friends will have nothing to do with your failure.
Can you do the work or not?...
On your dog's balls.
A few weeks ago I rescued a little stray dog from a busy intersection on a rainy night. Now he is rescuing me. My girlfriend and I broke up (again) and she moved out (again) two days ago. I want this time to stick and not go back to her when I start feeling the loneliness. I want to learn to enjoy me again, alone for a change.
My little rescue dog has helped me stay sane. He dulls the pain,...