December 2010
104 posts
On partnership.
I understand and agree with your definition of cheating, but what constitutes a partner? One with whom terms have been discussed? Do I have to be the one to discuss them if I really don’t care who these girls are sleeping with other than me, but I’ve inferred that they care in regard to me?
A partner is anyone with whom you have a relationship with mutually understood and agreed upon...
On secret identity.
Do you wonder whether this “rando lawyer” who apparently has paid a lot of attention to your blog will see your recent fun sized advice and deduce your true identity? Bruce Wayne has to deal with this shit all the time, and now so do you.
Nope. Lord knows how many times he busted out that line in front of a group. Even if it was just the once, at best, he has a hazy memory of some...
November 2010
67 posts
On jazz.
I think your explanation about the reason why poeple like jazz is wrong. Yes, jazz can be difficult. But it can be simple too. Especially when it’s good. The thing about jazz is flow. You start with a musical idea and you don’t know where you’ll end. Most pop/rock muisc starts with an idea and stays there. Of course, both genres can lead to amazing music. Progressive metal,...
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
If Ayn Rand’s philsosphy is methadone, whose is buprenorphine? Tony Robbins.
Why do people like jazz? Because some folks will always insist on doing things the hard way.
Size or Performance, in your opinion? Performance.
What do you think of good, clean people? They make great employees.
Do you think crying is a sign of weakness? No. Crying is a sign of emotion.
What is the cure for...
On science.
I had a bit of a revelation earlier, as far as I can tell from all the people I can think of, you are by far the most qualified(Yes- you’re qualified in this matter as far as I’m concerned. You’ve proved yourself to me time and time again, even if this is just a hobby and a game for you, your manner of existence is what I consider to be perfection. You might not know everything...
On opening up.
I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 2 years now. We love each other very much. But recently, I have fallen for another man. My boyfriend and I are exclusive, but my curiosity for the second guy is eating me alive. How can I tell my boyfriend I don’t want to be exclusive anymore?
Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, but I want the second guy, too… I’m a...
On being a sex therapist.
I’m a freshman in college studying psychology—my goal in life is to be a sex therapist.
I’m a sexually-active, sexually-diverse person who just so happens to have vested a personal interest in the study thereof, as well.
Help me prove to a cunt of a classmate that it’s a viable field of psychological and therapeutic study, and not solely a senseless surrender to primal...
1 tag
On your virginity.
How do you know when to give up your virginity? People talk about how it’s a special gift to have but I don’t really see what’s so special about it or who to give it up to. I’m probably not ready to have sex if I’m still asking these questions right?
Virginity isn’t a special gift, because your vagina isn’t a commodity. Whether you’re gifting it or...
On choice.
Is happiness a choice? I and our friends were having a debate over this, and I mean a British Parliamentary format debate, two of my friends take the stand that it’s a realization rather than a choice. What do you think? Thankyou!
Did you limit the scope of choice? Otherwise, anything other than a choice (such as a realization) is arrived at by choice, and this becomes a semantic argument...
On humiliation.
I fantasize about watching my boyfriend fuck his ex. He used to cheat on me with his ex all the time. Why am I aroused by something that is painful for me?
Okay, you’re not fantasizing about your boyfriend fucking his ex. You’re fantasizing about watching them fuck. That’s a key distinction. This is still very much a sexual fantasy about you and your boyfriend, but it’s...
On proving my point.
Here’s a superior idea: the term is “closed minded,” not “close minded.”
Indeed it is. You convinced me. I embraced it. Thanks for that.
On being closed minded.
don’t you ever think that you’re close minded? not that i don’t love you, but you have some really, shall we say, ‘steadfast’ opinions on a lot of shit.
Steadfast? You can go ahead and call me a stubborn bitch. I don’t mind.
Being open to inferior ideas makes you weak minded, not open minded. Being able to recognize inferior ideas makes you strong minded, not...
On family politics.
For Christmas, I told my mom I wanted “All the Devils Are Here.” She wants the George Bush biography. I drank a bottle of wine trying to keep quiet so I don’t spoil thanksgiving by bitching about politics. I may have let a comment slip along the lines of, “you want to learn the inner-workings of bush’s mind? buy a blank spiral notebook” and I’m pretty sure...
On settling.
Quoting your fun sized advice: “A man would also understand what it really means to settle.” I’m a man and I don’t know what you’re talking about, so what does it mean to settle, or should I ask a real man?
It’s a play on words, chief. Settling has both negative and positive cultural connotations within its various phrasings.
Too often, people with prince...
1 tag
On more fun sized advice.
Why the fuck won’t my peanut butter spread? Because Wonder Bread is a lie.
whats the best way to knock a bitch off her high horse? Scare the horse.
Bitch, answer ONE of my questions? I read your blog day in and out, you owe me that! Okay.
if you knew you were going to die. Would you reveal your identity? I am going to die, and if you understood the first thing about me, you’d know...
On your friend's shitty band.
what is the appropriate and tactful reply when a friend wants to know what you think of their band and they’re really not your thing? i’m not the arbiter of all that’s cool and hip and i’m not aiming for “constructive criticism”, just a polite and encouraging response. thanks.
Actually, your self deprecating remark is already a good place to start. Just add a...
On the principle of explosion.
What would you say to someone who told you that a thing could be true and not true at the same time?
Yes, context is everything, and this question is as broad as the sword the next guy on the street keeps in his pants (just ask him), but let’s assume we’re talking on a bit grander scale than the ex who tried to back-paddle out of a premature “I love you.” Give me some...
On cable.
Mike Rowe or Ben Bailey?
Dirty Jobs or Cash Cab? Really? Even if I let those two double team me, I doubt they’d keep my interest after the first commercial break.
That square-jawed “Aw shucks, ma’am” likability is great for hosting The Discovery Channel, but trust me, sex with on-air talent gets really fucking boring unless you’re in a room full of mirrors.
On the...
1 tag
On fun with christians.
It’s ironic how you brand every Christian as close-minded by virtue of them being Christian.
I must ask, though. If being Christian requires a person to give up rational thinking, why have many of the greatest thinkers of history, those who are undoubtedly some of the most intelligent people who have ever lived, chosen Christianity? From Nicolaus Copernicus to Johannes Kepler, Galileo to...
On making a move.
So I’ve got a mad crush on this girl who lives on my hall. We’ve been hanging out and stuff, probably to the point where she thinks I’m just her friend. And I’m bad at picking up signals, but I get the feeling that there could be something here. (This is coming from a guy with zero, zero, zero experience. But I’ve already complained about that for years. It’s...
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
I’ve got the house, the wife and the money, so why am I not happy? Yeah well, I’ve got cheddar cheese, a pumpkin, and some carrots, so why am I not the color orange? (And for those of you in New Jersey, I’m not suggesting that self tanner is the key to happiness.)
Are you as cool in real life as you are on your blog? There is no way to answer this question without sounding like...
1 tag
On ayn rand.
HELP. I’m talking to an Ayn Rand bot. He’s an intelligent human being for the most part, just one of the many that have been sucked up into her selfish little vaccuum of self important motives. What is your opinion of Ayn Rand? What would you say to someone drinking her kool-aid? Much Appreciated.
I’ve said it before. I consider Rand and her philosophy to be the epistemological...
On calling him on that shit.
My professor said something to the effect of “women are easy to pick on because they’re weaker” in class the other day. He didn’t qualify it to be within the context of the movie we were talking about. Am I a FemiNazi if I call him on that shit?
No, but you shouldn’t necessarily rise to the bait. A line like that from a male professor could easily be a setup.
He...
On her male friend.
The first woman I’ve had actual feelings for in a very long time—many sex partners between—seems mutually interested in me. Her male best friend who she had me meet after a few dates, or he forced an interview, seems like a closet poof or ball-lessly into her and hasn’t made a move in years. I honestly like this girl and would like to get to know her for a while and maybe form a...
1 tag
On more fun sized advice.
are you on coke for every response? or just special select few? You can tell, huh?
Should I do coke? Does it live up to the hype? Honestly? No. Ecstasy is way better.
Deliberately trying to get pregnant. And halve his livelihood and success in the process, I suppose. This isn’t PostSecret, you miserable cunt. Go fall down some stairs.
Do you think you’re...
On words and actions.
i’ve spent a lot of my day thinking about what i want to say about this, since i saw it on my dash earlier.
here is where this argument goes spectacularly, blindingly, gloriously flamingly wrong:
words are actions.
there is no such thing as the thought police in the real world, because nobody can possibly know what you’re thinking, or control it. in fact, i’m a big proponent of not condemning...
On a package deal.
I have been close friends with a married man for almost two years and we’ve never slept together. I really care about him though, and him about me. Is it ever ok to have a sexual relationship with a man who is married to someone else?
Sure. Just get the thumbs up from his wife, and you’re all good to fuck.
Infidelity isn’t about the sex. It’s about the breach of...
On a broken heart.
It’s been months and I can’t get her out of my head. I think about her in everything I see on television, books, and just out on the street. We were together a long time and now she’s very happy with someone else. How do I put this out of my mind for once and all? I feel so unhappy all the time, and worthless. She was such a big part of my life and now she’s someone...
On owning a record shop.
Is it ridiculous to feel that in this day and age, I should second guess my dreams because of how fast the world changes, and, ugh, the economy? I hate to be one of those people that do it for the money and not follow a passion of mine. But I also want to be smart and financially secure for my future. Is it stupid that I want to own a record shop?
Dude, put down the joint and back away from the...
On the thought police.
In response to your response to the “guys as the key and girls as the lock thing”. I think your response was really brilliant, but I want to bring up one problem I caught. Using the word “retarded” is damaging. I understand that you were trying to state that the person who said this “simile” was being ignorant and a jack ass (as well as his friend for thinking it was “cute”) but using such a word...
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
Do you do any philanthropy? I do volunteer work. Right now I’m mentoring for a non-profit reading and writing program for second graders.
What’s the difference between innocence and naiveté? What’s the difference between O.J. Simpson and his jury?
Do you think the television show America’s Next Top Model has any value? To the cosmetics industry, most definitely.
What is...
On a disgusting metaphor.
My guy friend believes that a single woman is a slut if she has casual sex. His logic is that men are like keys and women are like locks. If a key opens a lot of locks it’s a good key but if a lock opens up to a lot of keys then it’s a shitty lock. I guess it’s sort of sweet( i guess… -_-) that he sees women as something along the lines of a treasure. But mostly i’m...
On practical sociology.
I’m new to this whole sociology thing. I took my first class to start off my sophomore year and I’m currently up to my neck in ‘social-change.’ My professor (probably the most compassionate woman I’ve ever met) tells our class to never let a single comment about racism, sexism, or classism go unnoticed and to correct it at it’s core. Even our books tell us to do...
On how to piss off a feminist.
Did you honestly use the phrase ‘man up?’ Are you Sarah Palin now? Maybe men should just stop being such bitch-ass pussy vaginas complaining about their periods and get shit done. Like a man would. Not a woman.
Quit acting like a little girl.
On rescuing a fireman.
I’m in school for Emergency Pre-Hospital Medicine, Fire Science and Hazardous Material Control… Sounds quite like I’m blowing smoke up my own ass for studying to be in the Fire/Rescue field, but those are what the degrees are actually labeled as.
I’ve been in a relationship for four years. It’s been quite a lot of work, it was long distance for a awhile there while...
On submission.
So in the bedroom, I am all for being held down, tied up, controlled, etc. I love it when it’s simply me and my boyfriend.
But the thing is, outside the bedroom, I am absolutely terrified of all of the above. I cringe when I think about being taken advantage of. Hell, I can’t stand to think of going to the gynecologist because even that scares me.
So basically, I don’t...
1 tag
On more fun sized advice.
you’re buddhist! yay! No, I’m not! Yay!
You’re like Dr. Phil with balls, brains and swagger. You mean Oprah?
Do you ever think that you might just be a big fish in a little pond? Who cares? I’m having way too much fun with this bicycle.
The peanut m&m bag I just ate was weird. I swear 90% of the m&m’s were blue. What does it mean? Back away from the Costco...
On actual indifference.
I saw what you said about being indifferent to an ex. But what if your ex has never responded to that. What if it takes sheer fucking embarrassment, or a smashing of his precious car, or face. What if you never see you ex anymore, and never got the revenge you should have months ago?
Your ex never responded to indifference because you never showed him any. You aren’t capable of indifference...
On total fucking indifference.
Hi, first of all I love you, don’t care who you are I’m just happy this exists. You’ve helped me stop being a doormat. But can you teach me how to ruin my ex’s life with my own self respect? We are part of the same group of friends and if I go off and start my own life I will be losing some of my friends, I think. I want to be around him but I want to be fair to myself and...
1 tag
On learning to love yourself.
How do you learn to love yourself? How do you “realize” that in your deepest of hearts you are worthy? I’ve been trying for years and after every new strategy or life-changing decision I always reach the same conclusion: I’m not. I could give you a list of reasons why I’m right to think that and I could give you a list of reasons why I’m stupid and wrong to...
On what you did to your hair.
My colorist is awesome, but I’m newly self employed, and I just can’t keep shelling out $250 every 3 months for blond highlights. What was once a vanity project has now become a more necessary youthening project: I’m finally going gray. Should I try The Coloring Project on my own?
Gonna cook it yourself, eh? This isn’t a spaghetti dinner, bitch. It’s your hair....
On enlightenment.
What’s enlightenment? Who has it and who doesn’t. And once you have it, what do you do with it?
Enlightenment is just a word, and there is no way to really answer you without sounding like a raving lunatic playing circular semantic games.
For instance, you ask who has it and who doesn’t, and I smile with my whole heart and nod in agreement.
You ask me, once you have it, what...
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
What is one of your sexual fantasies? Go ahead, be vulnerable. Being able to lose my innocence again.
How long does it take to get famous? These days, not nearly long enough.
I’m very lost. I’m very sad. I’m very confused. I’m very sober. Stay off Hollywood Boulevard, because you’re just how Scientology likes ‘em.
I’ve recently started having sex....
1 tag
On loneliness.
i’m going through a lot of shit right now, and i just need to tell someone who is a complete third party who doesn’t know me who isn’t my dad just trying to give advice or my friends who don’t actually give a shit. but i’m trying not to make any definitive statements, because that’s a serious flaw i have.
anyway, i’m not happy, basically. the cure seems...
1 tag
On your inner child.
Sometimes, in the midst of a brand-new relationship, I’m plagued by the sound of my mother’s voice, coupled with my screaming ovaries and the emotional stability of a 13-year old inner child, I get confused. I forget what’s important. I forget myself. And what/who could be enchanting/enchanted for the next 5-10-50 years. So can you help me quiet the anxious voices? Just long...
On merchandising.
Just letting you know my love, you need to make a fuckin’ T-Shirt already.
Thanks, babe. That’s not my style. My shit’s not gonna get screened onto American Apparel.
If I ever decided to put out a line, seamstresses would be involved. Some lucky designer would get to cross brands with me and make a funky fresh high fashion love child. Bitches would be able to write me...
On a man's world.
Is it a mans world? btw I love you. Your blunt honesty makes me rethink the world and makes me want to be more observant and take better care of myself. thanks. but is it a man’s world in your opinion?
It’s not a man’s world. It’s not a woman’s world. Don’t even let your mind think like that. Gender isn’t meant to oppose and compete.
This is your world....
On owning that shit.
What color manicure should I get? I want gold but I think it’s too much. I’d have to wear it to a wedding… maybe I’ll do purple like i ALWAYS DO or do fucking pale pink. Thoughts?
Bitch, if those nails aren’t gold at that wedding, you’re fired from life.
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
When did you first become passionate about writing? What led to your interest? Oxygen and orgasms, my friend. When it comes to writing, you might as well be asking about breathing or fucking.
Why do you think it’s getting colder as we go higher up in the atmosphere even though we are getting closer to the sun!? Well, Violent J, that’s an excellent question — for a fifth grader. Maybe...
On the four agreements.
I have an old friend that I see very rarely. I’ve known him for years, but have seen him only three times the past year. I recently saw him around town and he was very short with me. I wrote him a message that night apologizing if I pissed him off in some way and said he should come hang. A month later, he replied with “You’ve tainted all of my interests in life. Fuck you (my...