February 2010
59 posts
1 tag
On existential angst.
I’m a 24 year old man. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in 5 years and apart from a handful of one night stands, I have not initiated any sort of sexual relationship in that time.
I have dropped out of three college degrees, one in a prestigious school. Every one of them was in a subject I had a great interest in initially. They are all still things I follow but in a less...
On getting choked.
I honestly don’t remember how I came to this conclusion, but sometimes I like the guy I’m with to strangle me during sex.
It took a bit of convincing to get my current boyfriend to try it, which I understand because it’s not exactly the most common practice. I tried to explain it to him, but I couldn’t really. I think it has something to do with being controlled, as well...
1 tag
On when to call it quits.
I have a dilemma: life or death. Is it worth living a life with a disease that will only hinder my quality of life? My hopes and dreams? Or should I simply cut my losses and call it quits?
This one is entirely up to you.
Most folks tend to skew towards life, even after life’s quality is significantly diminished. Then again, when faced with certain brutal realities about the frailty of the...
1 tag
On a cute little obsession.
have you ever had a girl crush? not necessarily in a sexual way; i don’t want to sleep with her (have explored my bi-sexual side and have decided the dick is the only thing for me), but she is GORGEOUS. i don’t want to fuck her, but i want to be around her all the time. and, i kind of want to be her. we are casual “girl friends,” meet for happy hour, do coke occasionally...
On secret evil plans.
I live on top of a shitty franchised wing shop, and the owner is a complete douche bag. He likes to play his music at ridiculous volumes until about 3 or 4 in the morning (fyi I live in a province who’s last call is between 1 and 2 am, and the restaurant should be closed by 2:30). Pretty much this dude is a total asshole who probably gets a kick out of all the noise complaints my neighbors...
1 tag
On third-world exploitation.
“First let me just say that yes, coke is actually not that bad. In fact, alcohol and tobacco are significantly worse than coke and weed. Anyone who says differently is misinformed or has an agenda.”
Do you really not see the difference with these? It is not about level of harm - everyone can figure out that alcohol is “worse” in physiological terms, kills more people and...
1 tag
On not being a whiny bitch.
Hey I’ve never really done this before, but I need some advice.
There’s this girl, cliche I know, but I fell for her fast. And for some time, I was under the impression that the feeling was mutual. We went on like this for about a month just flirting no problems.
But then she asked me if I was “developing feelings”. Of course, I said yes, but when I asked her if she felt...
On charisma.
What if I’m just ugly? Skinny, but ugly?
I don’t know. Take lessons from Cory Kennedy, I guess. She’s hard evidence that charisma has a much higher street value than traditional beauty.
I know it sounds like I’m talking shit, but I’m not. I’ve got nothing but respect for that kid. She’s flown around the world on nothing but style points. That girl could...
1 tag
On embracing vulnerability.
Been meaning to write you last week, but it seemed the problem worked itself out until last night…
I’m seeing a guy who’s told me he doesn’t want a girlfriend. That’s fine. One night we’re making out, and clothes are coming off; He starts to tell me how special I am/ that I’m the only girl he’s seeing…all while his monstrous cock is showing...
On starting a blog.
I’ve been whining to my friends like a bitch in heat for days about wanting to start my own blog. In order to finally get these retarded and sometimes slightly amusing thoughts of mine out there to disturb the general public.
While I have the support of my friends and family. I don’t have the abundance of balls you seem to exhibit, to just fucking go for it. I allow fear of both...
On prostitution.
Do you consider prostitution a legit job?
Define “legit.”
Also, I’ve already said pretty much all there is to say on the matter. Feel free to check out “On the oldest profession.”
2 tags
On how not to get used.
“If you don’t want to get used, then be present in the relationship and accept personal responsibility for the decisions you make with your own body. Do that, and he won’t be able to use you. At worst, all he’ll be able to do is lie to you.”
Can you just explain that a bit more? I love it, but I’m having a hard time grasping it in those words.
I mean… I understand not...
1 tag
On the humorless and ignorant.
Dear Hater,
I am religious and I am tolerant of others’ beliefs as they may differ from my own. I have really enjoyed reading your work here but I take exception to being labeled a dumbass because of my religion. And, yay your bookshelf, no I don’t have sacred texts lined up like cookbooks at my house, and I haven’t since I was in college, but I took several courses in theology...
On noisy neighbors.
I recently moved into a new condo in a new city. My neighbours have EXTREMELY loud sex. Well, it’s mainly her faking it but anyway… The walls are paper-thin. Their sessions are ruining my sleep. I swear next time I see her I will pull her into my apartment and fuck her so that she screams for real and not the monotonous ‘ooh ooh ooh OOOOOOOH’ routine she’s got going...
On me not giving a fuck.
So, do you really think that the only people who truly critically examine their own beliefs will ultimately arrive at your same conclusion, or they aren’t as intelligent or open-minded as you? They failed because you’re not on the same page? Or are there a few derivatives of your apathetic existential nihilism that get your approval? You say you don’t know shit about the nature...
1 tag
On not having to cum.
I’m a nineteen year-old girl. I’m in a great relationship with an incredible guy, and though we’ve had a couple rough patches, overall everything is great. And the sex is great.
But there is one problem - I’ve been masturbating since I was pretty young (four or five), and I think as a result of this, I can never come during sex, or any other sexual act. Don’t get me...
1 tag
On not dating.
Coke Talk, how do you feel about NOT dating? I am in my mid-twenties, I moved to NYC less than 6 months ago, and I’ve already dated half the archetypes in this city. (Artist, equity sales trader, journalist.) It’s all fun and games until… it isn’t. I’d like to cool my jets and just figure shit out, but my friends say I’m wasting valuable time looking for a man....
On your ass.
I’m 16 and I recently got a very small exterior hemroid (sorry if that’s kinda gross) and I’m kinda scared no guy would like to have sex with me because of it. I’m trying my best to cure it but i’m not sure it will and my parents don’t give a shit about me so I’m just stuck here in the middle.
You’re sixteen. It’s time to start taking care of...
2 tags
On revenge.
What’s your take on revenge? I have so many stories to offer I won’t even pick one, but just hope you’ll tell me how you’ve dealt with scratching that itch to get back at someone, for whatever reason.
Revenge is like driving drunk: it’s always a bad idea, you have to be extra careful when you’re doing it, and if you get caught it’ll never have been worth...
On my lovers and haters.
dear raging bitch, ur answers take way too long to read in relation to how few laughs i get from reading them. if ur goal with this shit is comedy u r teh fale. less is more.
ps: eat a dick
See that unfollow button in the upper right hand corner? Use it.
While you’re at it, consider using the rest of the letters on your keyboard. Sometimes less is more, but in your case less is just lazy...
2 tags
On christian close-mindedness.
Hello Dear Coke Talk, I have been following you since before you created a seperate tumblr, and I enjoy the cut-throat advice and wisdom you provide, and the aid you have given me indirectly through this blog.
But, I have a question/comment for you. In some of your posts you speak very negatively of religion. You’ve touched on the close mindedness of Christians.
My question for you is...
2 tags
On herbivores.
What’s your opinion on vegans/vegetarians?
Veganism is an elitist lifestyle choice available to a tiny percentage of spoiled, sanctimonious citizens living in the world’s wealthiest nations.
I can’t speak for the Dutch, but in my little corner of Hollywood, whenever I encounter a vegan it’s either an unbearably pretentious little bitch who uses the dietary restrictions to...
1 tag
On dignity.
How do you protect your dignity and not be an uptight bitch?
I surround myself with good people. Problem solved.
On the new thirty.
Am I a cougar? Seriously, all the signs are there: I’m forty-one, single, I have sex with younger guys and last Friday night I caught myself eating a cheese platter and looking up all my old boyfriends on Facebook. When I saw one of them holding a baby I burst into tears. What is this shit? I have an incredible career. I have NO desire for children (seriously, I don’t) and if I wanted...
1 tag
On not being crazy.
Dear Coke. I am incapable of being happy in a stable relationship and I need you to kick my ass/point out the obvious/whatever magic shit you do that makes things seem so clear and solvable.
I am a total head case. Background details: I was abused as a child (nothing sexual, just your average run-of-the-mill daily beatings), and when my parents divorced my mother blamed it on me and continues to...
1 tag
On not getting used.
Okay. I’ve recently begun fooling around with this guy from work (we’re both college kids, so it’s not like I’m fucking the boss or anything). We have a lot of mutual friends, who seem to really get a kick out of spreading everyone’s gossip around. Anyways, he and I have told no one that we are sleeping together, so it’s very hush-hush.
Now. I just don’t want to get used, I feel like the whole...
On ending an ugly mess.
So, there’s this girl. When we first met, she was involved in a serious long-term relationship, and we started out as friends. Things progressed and we starting fucking around November of this past year. This sort of carried on a for a little bit, until she broke up with her boyfriend. We kept hooking up through the holidays, and then made it official as a couple. Things started to get murky...
On liking to fuck.
I have small boobs but still like to fuck (in a healthy way, not a “I’m a ho” way). How can I be appealing to more guys without pinning them to the ground or hitting on them an embarrassing amount?
I am fascinated by your use of the phrase “but still” in the opening sentence, as if having small boobs is somehow contradictory to liking to fuck.
Also, you don’t...
On moving in together.
My boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together. He’s 21 with quite a decent job, and I am a 19-year-old waitress at a shady diner and a full time college student, bringing in less than $1,000 a month. (I live in the ‘burbs of a Midwestern city where the cost of living is relatively low. We could easily find an apartment for less than $500 a month.)
Needless to say, I’m feeling a tad...
On self-medicating.
I suffer from BED and my weight gain has been out of control lately. I have tried to lose weight the old fashioned way, but all my diets fail because I lack will power and can’t control my binges. So I’m considering using coke as an aid to suppress my need to overeat and take my mind off food. (It’s either that or black market bupropion.) Any advice on that? Do you think it would...
1 tag
On dating.
Is dating ever not-stupid? I mean dating as in “we had a couple of dates,” not as a synonym for having relationships. All the worthwhile couples I know either became a full fledged couple (whether monogamous or not) pretty much on the week that they met, or just hung out in the same social circles.
Every generation has its own unique set of courtship rituals. In our corner of the...
1 tag
On even more fun sized advice.
Do kegel exercises work? Yes. how do i ride my bf better during sex? Kegels. what should a girl do on the bottom during sex? Lay there and get fucked. Also, maybe some kegels. I fucked my drug dealer and now he refuses to take money from me. See how that works? is it weird to sell your panties to someone from craigslist for $40? Yes. Not as weird as buying them, though. Should I call him back?...
On the worst kind of addict.
I’m pregnant but I’m really craving coke. I have been able to stay clean for the first 8 weeks of pregnancy but I can’t help it anymore. Is it okay if I take small sporadic doses and just drink lots of water to flush it out of my system?
No, you asshole. It’s not okay. Check into rehab immediately. Either that or go get an abortion. Actually, feel free to do both. Whatever...
On earning the grade.
Would you ever fuck your professor to get an A in the class? (From reading your blog I can tell you’re pretty intelligent but for my sake of curiosity and entertainment could you pretend this event could actually happen to you?) Please. If a friend of mine decided to fuck a professor to get an A, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. If I was already fucking a professor and he then...
1 tag
On not waiting around.
So I dated this guy for 2 and a half months or so. It was pretty great. Just as I was getting comfortable and starting to see it as a relationship that might actually last long term, shit starts to happen. Basically, he finds out that a girl he used to hook up with last semester got roofied and raped, which resulted in her relapsing on coke and failing out of school. The problem is that he still...
1 tag
On love.
What is the distinction between loving someone and being “in love” with them? Aren’t these just arbitrary constructs?
Yes, quite arbitrary.
The classical distinction is that between the concepts of Philia and Eros, the notions of brotherly love versus romantic love.
The modern distinction tends to be less sophisticated, and pretty much boils down to whether you still want to...
1 tag
On irony and cliche.
Reading your advice, it’s ironic that you would refer to others as cliches when you yourself fit the mould. Your assertiveness, feminine yet durable. Your unwillingness to waiver on your beliefs. I can see someone making a movie about you some day, sort of like a Julie and Julia, except you meet a boy, fall in love and find yourself incapable of following any of your own advice when you have...
1 tag
On being a teenage girl.
I’m 15 and I recently broke up with my first boyfriend, after 2 and a half years of dating and a year and a half of long distance. I’m over him, but since I was just 13 when I got together with him, I’m new to this whole being single thing, and it bothers me that people see me as available, because I don’t consider myself to be available.
Then I met this guy who I kinda...
On saving up for surgery.
So between 2005-2008 I lost about 90 pounds (with exercise and decent eating habits) and have managed to keep it off so far. The problem is that now I have two things that bug the everliving shit out of me: a ton of extra skin and saggy tits.
Instead of bitching about it forever, I got off my ass and talked to a plastic surgeon about what could possibly be done. He said I’m an excellent...
On respect.
I’ve been dating this guy for a substantial (for me at least) amount of time, but still under a year. It’s my longest relationship. We sometimes have fights, but it’s always been something I can trace back to miscommunication, until a few nights ago.
I don’t want to get into details, but I’ll lay it out for you like this: He made a “joke” about beating...
2 tags
On pageants.
How do you feel about beauty pageants?
Find the nearest black guy. Ask him how he feels about slave auctions. Whatever he says is my answer to your question.
On threesome math.
I think I may have the fixings for a college threesome. My gay guy friend and I are quite close, and when he introduced me to another close friend of his, who is straight, the two of us hooked up. This was about two months ago, and when I come back to their town to visit my gay friend, I could ask for a meeting with the memorable gentleman. My worry is that my gay friend will have made himself...
On when to stop.
about three weeks ago my GP told my mother that i do cocaine.
He got the information from my psychiatrist who i was stupid enough to tell about my usage, even though i came to him with my bipolar disorder, not a drug problem. My psychiatrist persuaded me that all the information i share with him is absolutely confidential and that my GP would never tell anyone, not even my family, even if they...
1 tag
On the fag hag fantasy.
I’m a girl, I fancy my best mate, a guy.
Problem: He’s gay.
He’s not been in a relationship in over two years, but when he talks about other guys he likes, I get super jealous.
I really want to get into his pants.
Persuade me he’s a dickhead or tell me rohypnol is OK.
He’s not the dickhead. You are.
Come on, a fag hag who lusts after her gay best friend?...
On actually breaking it off.
My boyfriend of ~ 2 years told me he couldn’t marry me and we broke up. But now he still wants to talk to me everyday and still stop by my house. I know too that we were not a right match, but part of me just wants to cut him off so he understands what he is missing. Petty?
Not petty. Necessary.
He doesn’t get to break up with you and still creep around at his convenience. Fuck that....
1 tag
On planning a delicious mistake.
I want nothing more than to fuck a friend of mine. Sometimes, I swear that my body is full of electricity when I think about the idea!
The problem here is this: she’s a girl, I’m a girl and I’m not openly bisexual. I haven’t come to terms with this, it’s not an issue, but I’ve never felt this compelled to throw caution to the wind. I’m at odds with what to do because I believe in patiently...
1 tag
On bad ideas.
Dating your best friend?
Bad idea.
You can fuck ‘em. You can even marry ‘em. Whatever you do, don’t date ‘em.
1 tag
On having it both ways.
i want to kiss the scruffy faces of ruggedly handsome men and the ass-soft cheeks of beautifully feminine girls
why does the world seem to think i’m such a bad person because of that?
The world doesn’t think you’re a bad person. A few ignorant, close-minded people who’ve been poisoned by religion think that.
If you also happen to be good looking, you can be sure to add a...
1 tag
On pre-life crisis.
I’m sixteen years old and in my second semester of college, which makes people think that I’m super smart and talented and that I’m going places. Ha. Right. Really, I’m just here because I needed to get out of high school ASAP and, at the time, college seemed like the best option.
The thing is, now I feel trapped. My parents are paying loads of money to send me here, and I...
1 tag
On what to believe.
If you say coke is harmless (use not abuse) then why is everyone telling me it IS harmful? I’m asking because I don’t know what to believe right now, not because I’m against drugs or anything.
I didn’t say coke is harmless. It has its risks. So do french fries and asian drivers, but hey, that’s life in the big city.
Good for you, by the way. Not knowing what to...