April 2010
38 posts
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
How do you tell the difference between herpes and a mole? How do you tell the difference between Paris Hilton and Natalie Portman?
how does a lady keep her legs closed? Invisible knee cuffs. (Patent pending, bitches.)
He’s playing hard to get. I want to beat him at his own game. Go nuclear. Fuck one of his friends.
Why am I fat? I blame the Jews.
How do we get Lindsay Lohan to join our...
1 tag
On theology.
I’m curious about something you said in “On the Obvious Choice”. I’m a sophomore in college majoring in fine art, because its what I love to do and what makes me happy. I’m intelligent; I score in the 99 percentile on every standardized test I take (not that that means a whole lot). I could be a doctor if I wanted to or an engineer or whatever. Does that fact make...
1 tag
On the obvious choice.
Med school, peace corps, or theology grad school?
Really? A priest, a hippie, or a doctor? Gee, I wonder which of those three the world needs more.
Don’t be an asshole. Go to medical school.
If you still want to save the third world in a few years, feel free to join Doctors Without Borders. Those bad ass motherfuckers eat peace corps pussies for breakfast.
Oh, and it should be explicitly...
1 tag
On pissing off insecure women.
A size 6 is not the key to happiness and you should know better. Shame on you.
You’re right. A size two is the key to happiness.
That and a sense of humor.
Good luck, bitch.
(But seriously, ladies. Read my post again. Did I say she was fat? Did I say size ten was fat? Did I even once use the word fat? No, no, and no!
God forbid I tell a girl with your dress size that it’s okay...
1 tag
On doing it for yourself.
This guy I’m dating told me everything is perfect and he’s ready for me to be his girlfriend but there’s just one problem… I’m a little fat. I wear a size 10. WTF do I do? Stay with him and lose weight (I wouldn’t mind)? Or woman-up and walk the fuck out?
Both, sweetie.
Your instinct to dump this douchebag is the right one.
Sure, he’d prefer you...
On your next career.
I’ve been dancing since I was 8, and its been a huge part of my life and a huge part of me. But I’ve had my ups and downs with it. I took a year off, and realized I loved it, so I tried to come back. It’s been a struggle the whole year I’ve been back, and I keep getting new injuries. I need to decide whether to go to college and get a “normal” job, or pursue a...
1 tag
On even more bad ideas.
I can’t stop thinking about infinity and the expanding universe. It’s getting to be a problem where I have to force myself not to think about it or else I feel sick and begin having anxiety pains. What can I do?
Instead of freaking out about your utter insignificance in an unimaginably vast and ever expanding universe, focus all of your concentration on the brutal inevitability of...
1 tag
On more bad ideas.
My girlfriend and I just started having sex. She swears against condoms, and just tells me to use the pull-out method. I have good stamina, and haven’t “blown it” pre-maturely. Nor do I think I will.
I’m quite conflicted. It feels much better without protection, but I’d feel more at peace if I was using it.
Do you have experience in this department? Am I worrying...
1 tag
On bad ideas.
I’m a seventeen year old bisexual guy. I’ve only ever been with girls, and I’m not ready to be “out” yet. I’ve been having strong urges for guys lately. Is there anything you can suggest? I’m frustrated.
Gee, sport. I’m sorry to hear that high school pussy just ain’t cutting it for you.
Until you’re ready to man up and embrace your...
On facebook junkies.
I need help. I’m addicted to facebook, & it is fucking ridiculous. I know that it is a terrible & pointless habit, but I can’t stop.
I’ve tried many methods to lessen the time I spend on it, but they have all been rather ineffective. Even if I know I have no new notifications, I log on anyway & end up wasting hours of my time. I just can’t help it.
My time...
1 tag
On how you look at it.
What’s your advice for a nineteen year old girl that has never been in a relationship of any kind or never even kissed a boy?
It doesn’t matter how old you are. Stop referring to yourself as a “never been,” and start considering yourself an “about to be.”
2 tags
On why los angeles.
Why LA over New York or San Francisco? Of those three fab cities, LA would be my last pick. What do you love about it?
Ah, yes. New York. Los Angeles. San Francisco. The three most fashionable tribes, each with their own unique rituals, mythologies, and standards of beauty.
We are tribal creatures, after all. It’s not the most evolved part of the human condition, but you can’t deny the...
1 tag
On entry-level ethics.
I work at a bank and recently found myself in the middle of my boss stealing 20 bucks from a customer (ie a liquor store employee who brought in too much cash for his deposits - he was over by at least $200) My manager gave me half of what she stole, even though I said I didn’t want it and openly tried to give it all back to the liquor store employee. I wanted to take more immediate action,...
1 tag
On balding.
I’m a 30 y/o guy who despite beating the family average is finally losing his hair. Problem is, I have one of those ungainly scalps that is not suited to straight-up shaving it.
I swore I’d never be beholden to my hair and have no interest in forking over cash and dignity to pharm companies or miracle cures.
I just can’t find a style that allows me to bald gracefully....
1 tag
On bisexual virgin coeds.
I’m a 19 year old bisexual college student in my junior year studying film. I’ve been dating a really sweet girl for almost six months now and I recently met an all-around amazing guy in one of my film courses. I’ve spent a lot of time with him this semester in and out of class and have a lot in common, get along unusually well and he’s more than fuckable.
He’s a...
1 tag
On dating in los angeles.
I’m having trouble dating, specifically dating in Los Angeles, the land of superficiality. I’m a med student and I’ve been in Maxim, so I’m surrounded by nerds & get hit on by douchebags, neither of which I want to date. I keep getting wrapped up in men who are smart & successful but more interested in their jobs than me. What’s a girl to do to find an honest,...
2 tags
On three days salary.
How much is a decent price for an engagement ring? I make about $85,000 a year. Thanks.
You’re asking the wrong girl. I’m one of the few who thinks this tradition is grotesque and vulgar.
The diamond engagement ring is a sucker’s bet. You’ve been convinced of its romantic necessity by some bullshit advertising agency and sold a pack of lies about its inherent value by a brutal and...
1 tag
On finding some fresh love.
I (a woman) have been in a relationship with my partner (a woman) for three years. We have lived together for about a year. Lately, all we do is argue. We don’t have sex (not even make-up sex), and I get the vibe that she’s just not that interested anymore. Either in sex or conversation. She assures me, however, that this is not the case, and that it seems as if I’m the one...
1 tag
On stupid questions.
Dear Coke Talk, You don’t mind that Dolly Parton is a Christian? I think she’s awesome but you’re pretty harsh on religion. I’m curious because I’m also Christian and I feel like you make blanket statements. Other than that though, I really enjoy your blog entries. Thanks!
Dear Christian, You don’t mind that Dolly Parton starred in The Best Little Whorehouse...
On the worst kind of mother-in-law.
my mother in law and i have never seen eye to eye, but over the years i have tried very hard to see her through the eyes of someone who loves her. i have come to accept that i cannot change her and her behavior, i can only change myself. need to stop letting her words/actions effect me. so here is the issue:
we have two sons, 14 and 16. my husband is in the military so we have moved all over....
On redneck problems.
I’m 20 years old and from a very conservative Christian family. I have always been the most experimental, open minded, and liberal thinking member of the family (even from a young age), and I think it scared my parents half to death. I expirimented with different drugs, drinking, sex; things I would consider normal teenager stuff. I went to a charter school for the arts (theater major),...
On conquering uncertainty.
Your last post inspired me to ask my own question about relationships and the “M” word. My boyfriend and I are in what I suppose would be considered a “serious relationship.” I don’t date a lot, only had one other “real” relationship and it was a joke compared to what I have now. I have never felt better about myself, what I’m doing in my life, or...
1 tag
On being emotionally involved.
I feel like I’m getting too emotionally involved in my relationship. I’ve been dating this guy for a while now, and I literally have never felt so, I don’t know, caught up in it all. I’m only 20 and I literally want to marry him. I think about it all the time. I shouldn’t be thinking of marriage, I should be out getting drunk and hanging out with friends. You know...
On ex-boyfriend soldiers.
It’s been 2 months and a half since I last talked to my exboyfriend. He left to USMC basic training, and he hasn’t even written a letter. I haven’t written to him, either. Last time I heard something come out of his mouth was a ‘Get out of my life.’
Now, last night I went out with his best friend to grab some grub by the beach, and as we were talking about weather...
1 tag
On annoying bitches.
We had plans last night at 6. He asks me at noon to come to the city for a film festival, from 4-8. My car is in the shop until 6-ish, which I tell him. I ask him if there is anything we can do slightly later, to which all he says is “no.” I say that he can come out my way or we can meet half way somewhere. Nothing. I ask him if it’s his film showing (cause if it was, I would...
On leverage.
At what point should you tell a nice girl that she is being cheated on?
A close male friend of mine has become a shittier and shittier person over the last couple of years. He’s religious- which would normally turn me away from befriending him in the first place- but has always open minded and outside the box enough to make an exception for. He has recently proposed to a very christian...
1 tag
On winning the argument.
A good friend of mine (otherwise seemingly rational. I don’t know what the fuck this was about) has it in his head that girls should have long hair, be willing to wear skirts or dresses or whatever-the-fuck sometimes, and generally submit to the dainty little expectations people have. He says “sometimes we just have to please other people.” I personally love my pixie cut and...
1 tag
On more fun sized advice.
Should I feel obliged to masturbate? Only on behalf of your own genitals.
who do you think you are, jesus? No. I actually exist.
Should ugly people be allowed to love? Each other, yes.
how many pills does it take to commit suicide? Forty-two.
Do you believe in soul mates? Fuck no.
He’s a dog person. I’m a cat person. How do we make this work? Kill the cat.
Where is my mom...
On toxic girls.
What’s the best way to deal with mixed signals? I’ve been getting jerked around by this girl. She’ll hook up with me, everything will be great, then we’ll go out again and she’ll shoot me down, then tell me a week later about the guy she fucked, then start the process again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, self-respect, etc, but she’s the type where she loves the idea...
On a girl fling.
I am in a wonderful relationship with a guy who respects, loves, and treasures me. It’s been two years, and right now I see myself with him for a long time. If it doesn’t work out that way? So be it, but right now he makes me happy. So happy.
The only problem is, I met a girl. She’s… she’s beautiful. She adorable. She’s not someone I would want a relationship...
1 tag
On coachella baggage.
my ladies are bringing the fun (mollys, mushrooms, acid etc) to coachella next week, but out of respect for my BF of 3 years (who is completely drug-free/isn’t comfortable being around a fucked up-me), i will not be partaking in the altered good times. question is - how do i NOT let my jealousy/desire to be superfuckedup sabotage my own fun?
Your boyfriend is the one sabotaging the fun. Who...
1 tag
On begging to differ.
after reading all your posts, i realized that your typical answer to questions like “how do i tell someone i want to fuck them?” is plain and simple: just fuck them. i beg to differ. it is not that easy, especially for people who are a bit shy and conservative. i am one of those.
i want to fuck this college senior who is probably going to become my graduate student supervisor. i guess...
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
What’s your opinion on skinny jeans on males? Is his band signed? Is his art hanging in a gallery? Didn’t think so.
what’s the difference between a glass dildo and a plastic one? About eighty bucks.
Have you ever been in love? Fuck yes.
how often do you have sex? More than most. Less than some.
is it wrong to enjoy heterosexual sodomy? The only kind of sodomy that’s...
1 tag
On being pretentious.
“Painters paint. Real artists have a burning desire to create.”
Really? I don’t know what that kid’s story is or what your story is, but don’t you lot get tired of Rilke’s intolerable religiosity? So what, you read Letters to a Young Poet and now the only measurement for a “true” artist is that she perishes if she doesn’t exercise her...
On coincidences.
Is it a coincidence that your writing style is remarkably similar to that of Cecily Von Ziegesar’s?
I decided to include this one in hater day when I googled Cecily Von Ziegesar. Bitch writes harlequin romance for teenage girls. Really? You’re comparing my shit to Gossip Girl?
Whatever. Maybe they’re well written young adult novels, I don’t know. I’ll tell you one...
1 tag
On a better question.
Why are your answers bitchy and rude?
Better question, why are you so thin skinned and prissy? Even better question, what makes you think I don’t wear my impudence like a fucking badge?
Fuck your etiquette. Fuck your social norms. Fuck your sensible shoes and your purse sized hand sanitizer. Fuck everything about you that makes you common, from your common sense to your common courtesy.
...
1 tag
On being soooo cool.
you are so cliche
Not nearly as cliched as the kind of asshole who uses the phrase, “you are so cliche.” Don’t bother coming at me with ironic detachment. I’ve got you beat every time.
1 tag
On my motif.
Ever thought about trying a different theme than the ‘I I tell it like it is because you suck, I suck, get over it’ motif? Or is that just the kind of person you’re stuck with being?
At least I’m not stuck being a humorless cunt. Seriously, do you not get how fucking hilarious I am? Oh, wait. One of my answers hit a little close to home, didn’t it? You’re...