May 2010
39 posts
On married coworkers.
My relationship with a coworker has gone from a buddy movie quality friendship to a bad romantic comedy of long looks and “chance” run-ins on our days off. We’re not sleeping together, but something is clearly happening here.
Fact: he’s married, and I think of him as a mentor. Bad fact: I absolutely want to fuck him, and he’s made it pretty clear that he wants to...
On marriage for citizenship.
I get the feeling that you’ll tell it to me straight if I need it (or at least make me laugh and climb out of my little shame spiral): moving up a marriage (a for-real love one, whatever that means) a couple of years for the sake of citizenship. Stupid, or REALLY stupid?
You seem eager for me to condemn you, but I don’t know enough of the details to launch into a judging spree. Why...
1 tag
On embarrassment.
Should I be embarrassed about sleeping with whatever guy at work I feel like fucking? I’ve already nailed two of them but there’s at least one more I intend on conquering.
Should you be embarrassed? Perhaps if you were caught fucking on the copier at work, but don’t confuse embarrassment for shame.
Morons and sociopaths often don’t know the difference, but embarrassment...
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On fun sized advice.
I love/hate you. What’s wrong with me? Nothing. To know me is to love/hate me.
What do you do when you can’t go out? Myself.
Can anybody hear me? Yes. Better question: does anybody care?
Should i quit my job? Go find another one first.
Vet school or medical school? Medical school.
Thong or boy shorts? Boy shorts.
TLC or Destiny’s Child? The Supremes.
Would you suck my...
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On getting what you deserve.
After checking my boyfriend’s browsing history on his laptop (I know I shouldn’t!), I found out that he likes to look mainly at picture of girls with “big naturals.” And by that I mean BIG—like 36FFF and shit like that. I’m a typical B cup. He says he thinks I’m sexy, my tits are great, and we have great sex. But I can’t get this out of my head! ...
1 tag
On cuddle cheating.
Does drunk cuddling constitute a form of cheating? And if not, why do I feel so guilty about it?
Oh, Bambi. You feel guilty because you consider cuddling to be an act of intimacy, and so it feels like cheating when you do it drunkenly with someone other than your partner.
Good for you for being all adorable and having a conscience about the whole thing, but remember that innocence is lost in...
On threesome date night.
How would you go about suggesting and then initiating a threesome? i have a girlfriend that’s told me she wants to party one night and “have a lesbian moment.” also, her boyfriend is sexy and has stated in the past that he finds me desirable as well, and has made comments about how hot it would be if me and his gf had some fun together (big surprise). i think that with enough...
2 tags
On existential crisis management.
I don’t know what the shit to do with my life. I feel like all along since childhood I’ve been bred and pressured into conventional views of success: I graduated from one of the top high schools in the nation, then from an Ivy League institution with a degree in Biology. Since then I’ve managed to earn my freedom from my overbearing parents and am paying for all my bills myself....
On fading out.
My boyfriend and I of a year broke up a couple of months ago. We love each other very much, it just wasn’t working for us. We had a very clean break up and promised to stay friends. Although, lately we have been growing distant and we really have nothing to talk about. I really did want us to stay close for years to come. Any thoughts?
There’s no disrespect in both of you just...
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On shutting the fuck up.
I’m a 17 year old, relatively cute girl. Finding a date isn’t hard for me, but keeping a date is impossible. Things tend to go well until they find out I’m bisexual. There have been people who have flat-out told me that being bisexual was the issue and there have been people who immediately cut me out of their life upon my mini “coming out” with no goodbye.
Some...
On my permission.
the past couple of months i’ve been thinking (almost non-stop, it seems) about fucking many of my guy friends. i know a lot of attractive men, and i entertain myself imagining how fun it would be to fuck them. i live in an area where “traditional values” are the norm, and any girl that has sex with more than one dude is automatically considered little miss sexual deviant. that...
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On the best girls.
WHY, oh, WHY, must all the best girls be straight?
Gay girls bitching that all the best girls are straight is just as silly as straight girls bitching that all the best boys are gay.
In either case, it usually means the girl doing the bitching has a taste for forbidden fruit. Is that it? Is there a ripe, delicious peach just out of arm’s length? Mmm. It looks so good up there, glistening...
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On small town politics.
The neighbor’s boy is stalking me. I’m 17, and I live in a small, religious town. I dated this guy when I was 15, and since we went to the same church I told him that Jesus wanted me to be single.
Now he’s following me to work, school, church, pretty much anywhere I go. I went for a drive in the country and he followed me for two hours straight. My parents think it’s cute,...
On nuking your lady parts.
I just saw the one on permanent birth control, and I followed your (excellent) advice and looked at the Essure website, because I’m in the same boat.
Everything looked dandy until I read the part that said, “Essure does not contain hormones to interfere with your natural menstrual cycle. Your periods should more or less continue in their natural state.”
What. The. Eff.
So, a...
On permanent birth control.
Why can’t birth control be free?
I am an intelligent, self supported adult who hates children. Recently, the price of my Nuvaring was jacked up so high that even with insurance, the copay is is like a monthly kidney punch. I can’t find a clinic who will tie my tubes under my insurance- if I could, I’d be sealed off in a heartbeat. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough- but...
On making me laugh.
Of course you are white. Seriously. You wouldn’t have such an overstated trendy little thing for Obama’s dick if you weren’t. I love you, but seriously.
Whoever wrote this, I love you too. I’m so glad there are people like you out there getting the joke.
I almost started taking this shit seriously for a second, and then you went and cracked me up.
Thank you. I needed...
On a post-racist world.*
I am surprised at your statement “we live in a post-racist” world. You are always so logical and clever in your observations about things, and give out legit advice. Are you really of the impression that racism doesn’t exist or play a part in human interactions these days? Because if so, I got some interesting/awful stories for you (unfortunately).
When I say we live in a...
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On fun sized advice.
Why did you not answer my question? I got over a thousand questions last month. It’s nothing personal.
Why are you so cranky and bitchy? That’s how I react to stupidity.
Are you addicted to cigarettes? Nope. I smoke when I’m with smokers.
What do you think of men like tucker max? Men? No, no. Those are boys.
Do you think that we are all bisexual people? That assumes only...
On rebounding.
Dilemma: I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years and my only sexual partner ever. Guy I barely know but have talked to occasionally over the past 3 years wants to fuck. He’s wanted to since we met but I was in said relationship. Now potential fuck is an up-and-coming big shot NYC photographer with a 200k car. I’ve always been pretty conservative but I’m feeling like it would...
On love and war.
He cheated.
We were married with kids, he left me for her, now he keeps coming around (calling daily) saying he wants to be “friends.”
He’s still with her.
Sometimes (okay, regularly) he still wants to fuck me.
I admit, I still love him, which I realize probably makes me a total retard.
I’m ashamed to ask: do you think he’ll eventually try to come back?
But...
On a jezebel death match.
Dear Ms. Talk,
I was thinking about a fight to the death between you and any random Jezebel staff writer. I figure you’d win, but was wondering. What would some of your key moves be?
Cordially, Florence Nightingale
Dearest Flo,
Does it really have to be a fight to the death?
I mean shit, if we gotta go thunderdome style I’ll be sure to bring my knives, but before we get all...
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On bucking the fuck up.
Do you ever actually put yourself in other people’s shoes? You tell people to, but the thing is, you’re self described as smart, well-off, hot, and cool, and desirable as hell. Most of the rest of us aren’t. How are we seriously supposed to be able to behave and act the same way you do, and carry ourselves with your crazy confidence, and live our lives with so much dignity and...
2 tags
On new levels of stupidity.
i am currently dating a few guys, and have been proposed to by two (one, i think because the other one did). guy#1 is my best friend, but he is a little small in the undies department. he has never left me unsatisfied… HE is the one who has a problem with it… and trust me, he knows how to use it. he is even willing to let me have other “friends” to make up for his...
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On cats.
I have two siamese cats. I love them to death- especially the way they pull books out of my bookshelf at night- but I also have a somewhat drastic allergy to them. They shed so much between the two of them that every article of clothing I own is covered in cat hair and, subsequently, cat dander. When I sit in class, people think I’m crying because my own shirt makes my eyes water and itch...
On the brutal truth.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months now. We’ve had our share of problems, but every time we’ve found a way to work through them. Until now, or so it seems.
It seems now, that every time we’re together, we’re either fucking, or just sitting there, not talking. Both of us are very aware of this and have even talked about it, but this is the one time where...
1 tag
On finding his inner bad boy.
i told my friend i didnt like the preppy boy i was dating because i “need a guy i can do a line with” then i couldnt believe i said that outloud.. any thoughts?
You’d be surprised what those preppy boys are capable of snorting.
On purgatory.
This is straight out of some girlie song from the fifties, but: Is there a deadline for love? I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year and we don’t love each other. He’s never said those “three little words” to me, and I’ve never said them to him. In fact, I have no idea if I love him, and if he told me he did, I’m not sure how I’d react.
Catch: My previous boyfriends have said it first, and...
1 tag
On gropers.
what do you do when a complete stranger comes up and touches you/slaps your ass/etc? i chased the dude half a block threatening to cut off his nutsack. too intense? i would have killed him if i had the chance.
You are well within your rights to break a fucking finger. I try not to let it ruin my night, though. I can communicate my intention to castrate a motherfucker with a stern look....
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On bisexual boys.
Why can’t there be more heterosexually-inclined males that are open to some homo-licious encounters?
I feel as though most women are open to this, whereas guys carry on their macho bravado like they don’t really want some dick now and again.
I understand the whole female-on-female acceptance, and the typical bro-on-bro no-no, but I feel everyone would have a lot more fun if...
1 tag
On the nature of things.
i have a quick question. it seems like los angeles is dead. i can’t remember the last time i went out and have actually said to myself, wow this is fun. has LA changed or have i changed? is it time to find something new? or find someWHERE new. bored.
Yes, Los Angeles changed. So did you.
Shit is cyclical, though.
It’ll come back.
So will you.
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On cock bumps.
First off, your wording gives me a girl boner. I wish my boyfriend were here right NOW because reading about blowing rails off of nine inches of rock hard celebrity cock has me in a big hurry to tear the pants off of someone.
My question is this- how do you pull it off? How do you keep a dick hard and steady while you line the shit up and get down there with a straw? I’m visualizing sudden...
2 tags
On being normal.
I’ve been reading your blog now for a month or so and I can’t help thinking to myself you’re actually a normal human. What I mean by this is that you merely use this as an opportunity to be someone you’re not in everyday life. I would bet that you are no where near as brash and politically un-correct. I don’t think it is possible to actually live the life you...
On not taking shit.
In looking for an apartment in a new city, I was shown one I loved. When I tell the leasing agents I’m ready to put in my application I was told that unit is no longer available. And so begins their game of bait-and-switch. I’m then shown something similar and acceptable only to hand over my deposit & 1st month’s rent and receive the keys to an entirely different apartment. I...
On small dick.
I’m just going to be blunt. My boyfriend has a small dick, and when we have sex it is not as fun as it could be.
What the fuck can do I do, besides telling him that his dick is too small? I dont want to come off like a greedy dick bitch, but still, i have sexual needs that aren’t being fufilled.
You’re not going to fulfill your sexual needs by crushing his ego, and his dick...
2 tags
On giving feminism a bad name.
YOU CALLED FEMINISM A ‘NARROW-MINDED BELIEF SYSTEM’? Haha.
It’s funny that you think you’re being ‘open-minded’ by watching porn. Wow, what a free spirit! Succumbing to the objectification of women, the assigning of gender roles and misogyny!
WELL FUCKING DONE.
You idiot.
Capital letters and sarcasm? Wow. I almost didn’t notice that you completely...
1 tag
On what makes you happy.
I love reading both your blog and your answers to these questions. There’s something raw and funny about your writing style. Your life seems full of glamour, passion, and some sick parties—the kind of life I dream of living someday. Thing is, I’m not like that. As much as I want to be a glamorous badass, I don’t live up to my daydreams. I’m in college, and I...
On facing threats.
Do you have any advice for girls that are afraid to be rude even when the time calls for it? I have a problem with this in particular. I have been put in various situations where being too nice has led me to get burned. I’m not talking relationship wise; I have no problem being a bitch to stupid boys. I mean just in general with creepy fucking strangers (all of the male variety). There is no...
1 tag
On losing them both.
I am a virgin, who just wants to have sex, but my Christianity is standing in my way, and so are my morals. But still I just want to fuck.
You’re a mammal. Of course you just want to fuck.
Problem is, you’ve had religious poison poured into your furry head from a young age, and now you’re confused and ashamed of your own animalistic nature.
Of course christianity is standing...
1 tag
On when to get selfish.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now, but due to my last (rough) breakup- involving physical and emotional abuse- I can’t quite settle into this relationship. It’s unfair to my current boyfriend (who’s apparently head over heels), but as far as I know, he’s willing to wait it out. But I don’t know how long it’ll take before I’m comfortable...