September 2010
34 posts
1 tag
On being a female player.
How do you be a female player while maintaining your integrity and not becoming a “ho”? I’m a single young female with a great job, I’m disgusted by my boring friends who give up their own lives to be with their lame boyfriends, and I want to prove that there’s an alternative. If you could give specifics that would be most helpful.
You don’t need me to tell you...
August 2010
36 posts
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
How do you manage to work full time and still have a personality? I’m just fucking fabulous like that, I guess.
Should I apply to model naked for Terry Richardson? Apply to college or for a job, not to be hipster camera meat.
What is your opinion of Glenn Beck? Like all evil clowns, he probably eats children.
Christ on a cracker! Where do you get off? Now I’m imagining a party...
On cautionary tales.
I was around for the 80s wave of cocaine fun. It fucked up more people in my personal circle of acquaintances than any other drug. When I say, “fucked up” I mean: driven to suicidal despair because they couldn’t kick. So, they committed suicide. This, unfortunately, happened more than once as you will no doubt deduce from the use of the third person plural. I also mean: death by...
1 tag
On disclaimers.
This is absolutely ludicrous. Coke isn’t just a safe petty play drug and you essentially telling people that it’s “OK” to do is ridiculous. Cocaine just isn’t a drug to fuck around with, you’re playing with fire and while you may think you’re in control chances are you can lose control REAL fast. I’m not usually a crusader for shit like this, but...
1 tag
On cocaine and self control.
How do you manage to exercise so much self-control when it comes to cocaine? Is there a regime you follow or something? I’m not trying to make it sound like a cocaine diet or anything, I just want to know what you do in order to keep the coke in control? Not use it a few days in a row, or what? Gimme some pointers. I’m new to the world of cocaine but I really want to be a part of it;...
On sexual identity.
I’m a ‘straight’ girl who dabbles with kissing girls but only has relationships with guys. I guess this is pretty run of the mill these days. However, whenever i’m masturbating I only get off on watching lesbian porn. I fantasise about girls a lot and kind of girls only. Am I a lesbian in denial?
Sexuality isn’t a binary state, sweetheart. It’s not a...
1 tag
On teenage hubris.
I’m a seventeen year old girl and I’m considering fucking one of my high school teachers. He was my teacher last year and he started showing some extracurricular interest in me during the spring. At first it just really pissed me off, especially because his wife is also a teacher and she started shooting me daggers with her eyes after he made his interest all too obvious by openly...
1 tag
On becoming a whore.
I need money. Badly. 100% of my paychecks go towards my tuition, and it’s not nearly enough. A couple days ago, a guy offered me $50 for a blowjob, $80 for sex, and double that if I could find a friend to join in the fun. He’s got a great dick, and we would use protection. It seems like an easy enough way to make some money, but I want to know what you think.
You want my permission to...
1 tag
On astrology.
Why do you think you get along so well, and are so attracted to, Leos?
Oh dear, no. When I point out that I have a thing for Leos, it’s an observation based on evidence, not a preference based on superstition.
It just happens to be the case that a large cluster of my inner-circle was born in mid-August. They’re Leos. I have no problem calling them that for poetic effect, but beyond...
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
What is your definition of a whore? Someone who puts a price on their integrity.
Why do you choose to remain anonymous? It’s more fun this way, no?
It just occurred to me that you could be an Asian with big breasts. Like I said, it’s more fun this this way.
Is it true that people like you invented love to sell nylons? People like Don Draper invented love to sell nylons. People...
On std tmi.
If a guy bothers to tell you that he is STD-free, how likely is it that he’s lying? I mean, no one in their right mind really WANTS to spread disease, right?
Sure, no one in their right mind, but that’s not an overwhelming majority these days. Also, no one can definitively tell you that they’re STD free. The best anyone can do is test negative for a full STD panel, so unless...
1 tag
On the one that got away.
I met a girl when I was in law school (she was a “townie”) and had a fun but short relationship with her. I broke up with her because I was stressed and overwhelmed with law school and there were some law school hootchies sniffing around. She’s an awesome girl but I admit that I didn’t think she was a long-term prospect at the time. I think I really hurt her because she...
1 tag
On opinions and assholes.
Don’t you find it a little idiotic that you suggested someone avoid the carefree fun of iCarly, where most episodes revolve around poking fun of the latest cultural obsessions (iphones, etc) — albeit not particularly well, but it IS done for kids. Meanwhile, your first suggestion is for the casual viewer to move on to Glee, a show ridden with idiotic dramatics, hoping to encourage...
1 tag
On projection.
A colleague of mine is a thin eastern european woman with very beautiful features and long dark hair. She knows she’s beautiful and works it. A few weeks before a big work event, she asked me what I was wearing to it, and told me she didn’t have an outfit yet. Thinking nothing of it I described my dress to her, and told her its colour which was somewhat unusual.
The night of the...
1 tag
On television for kids.
I just turned 18. However, I still find myself watching Hannah Montanna, Spongebob, iCarly, and more shows like that. Should I be ashamed?
I’m sorry, sweetie, but it’s time to change the channel.
The artistic merits of Spongebob could be argued, but there is absolutely no excuse for shit like Hannah Montana or iCarly.
That garbage is for little kids. Not the smart ones, either....
1 tag
On standard issue crazy.
I always loose interest in guys the second or third time I have sex with them. I mean, I am happy to meet up and be friends afterward but I never want to sleep with them again after the first or second time. This is sort of a new phenomenon. I am 28 and until now I’ve been constantly in and out mini-relationships (with the exception of a three years not so mini one), but I just don’t...
On a victim mentality.
I’m afraid I’m never going to find anyone as good as my ex-boyfriend. He was abusive (emotionally, occasionally physically), manipulative, passive-aggressive, and we were terrible for each other, yet he still knows me better than anyone else in my life, and I don’t know how to change this or get past it. I’ve turned into one of those girls who constantly rejects ‘nice...
1 tag
On a certain kind of life.
My boyfriend and I have known each other for 5 years, and we’ve been together for the last year and a half. He’s 27 and I’m 23. We’re in the process of leaving our respective apartments to move into one together. I assume this means he’ll propose sometime afterward, and he’s alluded to it several times after a couple beers. However, that whole “I’ve...
1 tag
On crashing a tea party.
I think I’m going to a Tea Party meeting this week just for kicks. Any advice for fun things I can say/do? I don’t want to get thrown out, but I do want to rabble rouse a bit.
How about starting a spell-check station? Bring a folding table and a dictionary, put out a tip jar, and offer your services editing their protest signs. Reassure them that you’re not there to correct...
On petty bullshit.
I’m sixteen, and I’ve always been identified as “the girl with the long, poofy hair” and I’m sick of it. My hair is too thick to straighten with a flat iron every day, and even when I do, it still looks awful. My friends all say it’s beautiful the way it is, but I seriously disagree with them. They also don’t know that it takes me an hour to wash every...
On fixing a friendship.
So I screwed up a good friendship with another girl by saying I was in love with her and making out with her a few times, despite knowing she’s been in love with another girl (who has a boyfriend) for 4 years. Now she insists we’re still friends but barely talks to me, while I want to call her out on her patheticalness and half-assery. And kiss her again.
I hate how everyone in this...
1 tag
On sex ed.
Dear Coke Talk,
My grandma wouldn’t sign the sex ed form so my friend Ricky and I had to play tetherball outside. What the heck were they talking about in there?!
Thanks a bundle!
-Tom Oatmeal
P.S. This is more for Ricky. I know what they were talking about, but I thought maybe you could just tell me what you think it is first to kind of confirm that we’re on the same page. But...
On draper or sterling.
Why do people keep talking about Don Draper’s wardrobe? I feel like Roger Sterling’s is so much fucking hotter, no?
Roger Sterling is a coat hanger with silver hair. The man was born to wear a suit, and he does it well. So yeah, if you’d rather run your fingers down Roger’s lapel, go right ahead.
I’ll still be on the sofa loosening Don’s tie.
On old condom wrappers.
I just found a bunch of open condom wrappers in the pocket of my boyfriend bathrobe— a robe he has had hanging on the back of his bathroom door since the beginning of time. He and I haven’t used condoms since April (I got on birth control around then). Is it crazy to consider this a little fishy? Why would he stick the wrappers in a bathrobe as opposed to throwing them in the garbage...
1 tag
On not giving a vegan fuck.
Okay. So, I’m a vegan. Not for ethical, but health reasons. I do believe that I feel better and healthier now that I’ve cut this stuff out of my life. I don’t judge anyone on the dietary outlooks on life. If they want to eat a shit ton of meat, that’s their decision. Just as this is mine. However, I still get those really annoying comments about PETA, protein,...
On jerking it together.
My boyfriend won’t masturbate in front of me. This bothers me. Am I being unreasonable?
I love my boyfriend a lot and, in general, the sex is pretty good (we both have stressful careers, and sex sometimes takes a backseat to work, which can be frustrating for both of us).
I’ve never been able to orgasm from intercourse, so often, after we have sex, I’ll masturbate while my...
On a grumpy gramps.
Alright I’ll make this quick. I want my child to have grandparents but my in-laws cuss very strongly. I don’t have an issue with cuss words but calling a child a “little shit head” or “cock-sucker” seems extreme. I want to shield my child from this but my husband’s father refuses to back down. I feel bad because my husband’s mother is very sweet but...
1 tag
On more fun sized advice.
How much would I have to pay you to see and know who you are? Like my mamma always said, if you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it.
Does cocaine feel like love? No. At best, it feels like sex.
Why is Lindsay being released from jail? Like most people incarcerated in this country, she doesn’t belong there.
How do you separate sexual desires from real feelings? Sexual desires...
On settling your own debate.
Can please you settle a debate for us? My boyfriend says that repeated “pounding,” as he so eloquently calls it, will stretch out a woman’s vagina to the point where it’s “blown out.” I say this is such BS - the skin’s elasticity retains shape. Sure, after kids it might stretch a bit, but do porn stars or those who are frequently “banged” need...
1 tag
On sex tapes and honor.
I recently broke up with a woman I was with for several years. We lived together, got drunk, did drugs and had awesome sex together. Some of that booze/coke fueled sex was recorded (by her request). Since breaking up she has been a total cunt. Should I make some of those dildo-in-her-ass/cock-in-her-snatch videos public?
There are certain things you just don’t do. Ever.
Violating the...
1 tag
On should it be illegal.
I’m all for keeping the Second Amendment alive and all, and I get the impression you are, too. But, do you think it should be illegal to keep a gun in the house if you have young children?
Should it be illegal to keep pointy scissors in the house too?
I bet your coffee table has sharp corners. Maybe we should get a state representative to draft up some legislation protecting your...
1 tag
On best friends in love.
After years of being platonic friends who were able to discuss anything and have relationships with other people, me and my best friend (a guy, I’m a girl) decided to have sex. We both agreed it was some seriously good chemistry, and we’re continuing to fuck as friends. This wasn’t a problem for a month or so, but of course feelings are getting involved and we’re slowly...
On stealing your sex tape.
I was fucking someone for a few months and ended up making a sex tape with him. He’s as bad of a person as they come. He has a lot of money and no spine, and I’m afraid certain members of our social circle with whom I don’t get along will convince him to somehow make the tape public. This whole situation is the result of a string of remarkably stupid decisions on my part. Am I...
1 tag
On romantic cheeseballs.
My new boyfriend recently told me I was the perfect person for him. Am I wrong to assume he’s said it to other girls in the past?
Maybe. Maybe not. It doesn’t really matter.
If you’ve got a new boyfriend who says ridiculous romantic cheeseball shit to you, then you can rest assured he’s said equally ridiculous romantic cheeseball shit to his past girlfriends as well.
...
1 tag
On feeling superior.
People look up to you as a role model. That saddens me, and makes me worried about the quality of the human race.
Aww, you’re saddened?
Well, I’d tell you to go pop a xanax and lighten the fuck up, but I’m worried that without that smug sense of superiority there to inflate your ego, your personality might just collapse into a pile of its own bullshit.
It’s probably best...
On sounding queer.
Do you think that the whole gay “persnickety” style of speech is complete bullshit? Like, it’s all a ridiculous act to show off, “LOOK AT ME GUYS I’M QUEER AS FUCK.”
I’m a dude who has been known, on occasion, to suck a fucking nice big cock. However, that has never once affected my speech. Other than when I have a mouth full of his thick, creamy man...
2 tags
On drill baby drill.
What do you think about the phrase “Drill, baby, drill”?
The etymology of the phrase “drill, baby, drill” is derived from the legendary words attributed to Bill Epton, a militant black activist who was jailed for uttering “burn, baby, burn” in response to the Harlem riots of 1964.
Forty-four years later, a political speechwriter with a twisted sense of humor...