June 2011
29 posts
On things you can trust.
Dear Coquette,
I think my dad is cheating on my mum.
I know this kind of thing happens all the time, but it’s pretty gutting nevertheless.
I found out when I borrowed my dad’s laptop. He forgot to delete his history and log out of some swingers website. His phone constantly beeps with new messages. So, nosy bitch that I am, I had a look through his “profile” and messages on this website....
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
Threesome with an ex and his new girlfriend: hot or stupid? Yep.
What is the weirdest thing you have ever snorted coke off of? Penis.
Why do you think in general, us gay men are so promiscuous? Penis.
Why do most people take life so seriously? Penis.
Thoughts on Kreayshawn? She is the human equivalent of a fake ID.
how do i make a long relationship start being more fun again? Become...
On a thieving little twit.
Well, Coquette — I messed up big.
I got caught shoplifting from a major retail chain. It was dumb, I know, and I shouldn’t have done it, but I get some weird satisfaction from it. I’m not a spoiled brat; I earn every dollar I have, but sometimes I just want something the rich girls have. Stealing it makes it even better for some reason. Messed up — I know.
They banned me from all of their...
On five more minutes.
Bad mood tonight? Nope. Just high and a little bored waiting on my one friend who seems to exit the space-time continuum every time she starts putting on make-up. Five more minutes my ass. I’m growin’ cunt hairs over here.
On snooping.
I’m snooping in my boyfriend’s phone. I find a weird number. I google the number and it’s someone in another state. I call the number and a chick answers. Do I have a right to ask my boyfriend about it? Am I wrong for invading his privacy?
Of course you’re wrong, but you should go ahead and ask your boyfriend about the number. Be sure to tell him you googled it before...
On all there is to say.
I got knocked up when I was 16 (yes, my bad, but fuck it shit happens)(and don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter more than anything) and was with the dad for about a year before he vanished for a week, due to a large amount of drugs, alcohol, and another lady friend. He has stayed with her and now they are engaged. I have a boyfriend that I am content with. I’ve never stopped loving...
On a much needed laugh.
I’ve had two dreams with you already. In each, you’ve always been this ridiculously classy woman with a funky edge and a terrifyingly cool attitude. In the first I had apparently landed a sick internship at People’s Revolution, and you were driving me there in a red range rover looking all amazing & shit then its all blank don’t remember much. On to the next. In this...
On crossing the borderline.
Dear Coquette,
My girlfriend was supposed to move in with me a month ago down in Florida. We have been together for almost a year now and she suffers from borderline personality disorder. My reason for being down here is that I had got into some trouble and lied to her for four months about it. She has been great and stuck by my side through everything. Came to visit me every month and was...
On more favorite books.
Why not give us another list of good books? You preach the importance of education, so tell us more favorites already!
Okay. Here you go:
Seize the Day, Saul Bellow A day’s worth of existential crisis and catharsis beautifully written in a short novel.
Underworld, Don DeLillo Non-linear and massive, this novel covers half a century’s time with engaging dialog and a style...
1 tag
On baby steps.
Dear Coquette,
Coquette, I’m coming to you because no one — not my guidance counselors, not my relatives, not my friends — has said anything that has helped me at all.
I live in a very small town in Texas, a kind of cultural wasteland. I whine a lot, but there are some good people here. I just don’t belong in this place. I’m not country, I’m definitely not religious, and I cannot live in...
1 tag
On more fun sized advice.
W.W.C.T.D? Use Blackberry or iPhone? Both. Gotta keep work and play separate.
You talk a lot about having fun. Where do you draw the line? Country music.
just washed down my antidepressant with the little bit of semen left in my mouth. thought of you. How lovely, and just in time for Father’s Day!
I don’t think there’s much wrong with someone being a “slut”, would...
On resentment.
Dear Coquette,
I’ve got a stable, successful career that allows me the opportunity to have my own home, support my disabled mother, and put my husband through college without him having to work a job. I work really hard for what I’ve got, and I’ve come a long way from my past (super broke ghetto kid); conversely, my husband has never had to work for much (super rich golden child). I’m glad...
1 tag
On letting him go.
Dear Coquette,
My boyfriend of four years has decided he wants to move to Texas to become a police officer. We currently live in California. I have just bought my own house, and I have a full ride scholarship to a university in California. He has applied to be a police officer in California, but they aren’t moving fast enough for him. I offered to give up the home I just purchased and my...
On waffles.
A few days ago I got home drunk and a guy asked to have breakfast with me at 5am while I was still drunk. We went out and we really hit it off and ended up having sex later that morning. Problem is, my best friend said she wanted to bang him also. They had not seen one another for a couple years though and he doesn’t feel the same way about her. How do I tell her about what happened? Should...
On what to do.
I have strong feelings for a female I’ve met over the internet. The problem is I live in Chicago and she lives in San Diego. We’ve never met and we’ve been talking for a while now. I am going out there in a month for her birthday, what do we do if we hit it off?
Fuck like rabbits and then have a slice of cake.
On backing the fuck off.
I had sex with a married man. His wife found out, he confessed everything. She and I are acquaintances but not friends. She’s pissed and hurt and confused, obviously, and she has been texting me threats for a few days. Warranted for sure. She says she just needs to know why. I asked her if I can call her, she said no. So I’m supposed to text her I guess. What do I say to this woman?...
1 tag
On fun sized advice.
Dear Coquette,
What is your favorite Muppet? And why? Animal, because he’s a drummer.
I don’t think I respect my husband anymore. Is there any way to fix this? That’s up to him.
What’s the worst thing a person can do? Hate.
Am I supposed to be having fun in college? You’re supposed to be having fun in life, my dear.
What are your thoughts on assisted suicide? I consider the right to die as...
On commitment.
I’m in a committed relationship with a boyfriend I love. I’m 24, but I’m getting the urge to nest. I’m not talking forever or kids, but I want to settle down somewhere at least for awhile and really put my heart into making a life there. We’ve definitely never talked marriage — and that’s not even what I want right now, but I want it (or preferably, an...
On the post college blahs.
I just graduated from college and it feels fucking weird. What do I do to get that sense of normalcy back in life? I have a job and am living with my boyfriend but I feel like everything is an out of body experience now. I know that this is the time to do shit on my own, but I’m doing that and I still feel like shit. Suggestions?
First of all, June gloom is real. You just gotta wait that...
On being pathetic.
I am constantly on the knife’s edge about giving my boyfriend oral. Should I? Shouldn’t I? I’ve never done it before. It feels silly when the question rolls around in my head, but the subject makes me scared, nervous, and slightly dirty. Society has portrayed it as an act that has instant gratification for the male (or female), and something that is reserved for those who are...
On higher standards.
But don’t you think that political officials should be held to a higher standard? They know when they take their jobs that their moves, personal and political, will be in the spotlight. The same goes for athletes, actors, etc. It’s practically part of the job description.
Fuck no. Only idiots hold athletes, actors, and politicians to a higher standard. That kind of thinking is what...
On weinergate.
Talk me through this Weiner thing, Coke Talk. Why? Why? Whyyyyyy? He was our Lancelot.
Really? Lancelot fucked Guinevere behind King Arthur’s back. All the congressman did was tweet a few pics of his schwanz.
Sure, it’s a total dumb fuck thing to have done, but as far as beltway scandals go, it barely moves the needle on the political shitbag-o-meter.
Anthony Weiner is still one of...
On personal privacy.
Ok, I’m bisexual and I just can’t find the words to tell my mom. Almost everyone expects me to be gay, but they don’t quite know yet. I just feel uncomfortable not telling my family and I just simply can’t find the words to break it down and tell them. Should I fear about what they will say or do? If they don’t accept it should I feel disowned or bad with myself?
...
On appropriateness.
When has it ever been appropriate to say “tits” to a woman and even more so when she’s a young woman seeking advice on such a sensitive subject?
It’s appropriate right after you take that stick out of your ass, my dear.
(I love all my new readers from The Daily. They’re adorable.)
On poor judgment.
Sorry, Coquette! Although I agree with your advice, I believe you left an important point out: Everyone needs to take responsibility for their own actions. What’s a senior in high school doing going out for dinner by herself with a staff member 15 years older than she anyway Poor judgment on her part.
Sorry, bitch! There’s no slut shaming allowed in my house. I’m all for...
1 tag
On skeezery.
Dear Coquette,
I am really in need of your help. I’m a senior in high school, and last night I went out to dinner with a man 15 years my senior who isn’t a teacher per se but advises some activities at my school. He’s a guy I’ve really enjoyed spending time with and he’s moving away in a month which is why I was excited to have a friendly dinner with him. Which is why I was even more shocked and...
On proving my point.
You keep saying that people shouldn’t refer to themselves as artists. One time you said that they should call themselves either painters, singers, actors or whatever. But what about people like me who are painters, sculptors, installation artists, photographers and designers all at once? I’d rather just call myself an artist rather than that entire list each and every time someone asks...
2 tags
On more fun sized advice.
Dear Coquette,
What’s your advice for a starving artist? Eat something and don’t refer to yourself as an artist.
I have been single for five years and I have no interest in others but my ex. What should I do? Grow up.
Coach or first class? Private jet.
Why is everyone having so much more fun than I am? Don’t believe the hype.
What is the key to a happy life? Happiness.
How do I fall...
On a bisexual virgin.
I’m bi, she’s bi. Her and her boyfriend have an open relationship. I have a simultaneous crush on her, and on her boyfriend. Sounds perfect… Thing is, they’re some of my closest friends. And I’m a virgin. I should find someone else to crush on, right?
Maybe. Maybe not. It really depends on whether they both wanna fuck you. Just because they’re some of your...