I need money. Badly. 100% of my paychecks go towards my tuition, and it’s not nearly enough. A couple days ago, a guy offered me $50 for a blowjob, $80 for sex, and double that if I could find a friend to join in the fun. He’s got a great dick, and we would use protection. It seems like an easy enough way to make some money, but I want to know what you think.

You want my permission to sell your pussy at crackhead prices? Fuck no.

Don’t ever have sex with friends or acquaintances for money. Ever. If you’re confused as to whom that includes, it means anyone who knows your real name.

Also, fifty bucks? What the fuck? Are you writing from the University of Tijuana? Are you missing teeth? Fifty isn’t even a down payment on a blowjob, and oh my god, eighty for sex? Did he really throw in an extra thirty bucks for your vagina like he was splurging on a deluxe car wash? Un-fucking-believable.

I know it’s too much to ask that you respect yourself, but if you’re gonna engage in prostitution, the least you could do is respect both the profession and the product by not treating your pussy like it’s in the clearance bin at TJ Maxx.

Tell you what, since you’re probably gonna do something stupid here, promise me you’ll at least start off in the grey area. Try finding a sugar daddy first.

Also, promise me you’ll stay away from this guy who’s offering you his lunch money for sex. Trust me, he’s bad fucking news.