You’ve been known to take a drug or two on occasion, and I feel like you’re someone whose behaviours are not lightly criticised by sensible persons. So perhaps you can clear this question up for me.

I wouldn’t buy ivory, eat a whale or wear conflict diamonds, so why am I ok with buying cocaine? Ought one apply the same logic of ethical consumption to drugs? Does one have to take the hard road of total abstinence to get the proverbial blood off one’s hands?

There is no washing the blood off your hands, you pretentious hippie fuck.

The simple act of paying taxes in any first world country makes you complicit in an unholy global raping of such magnitude that no amount of dolphin safe tuna or fair trade coffee could ever restore the cosmic balance.

You’re guilty of original sin just for living on the grid, so quit pretending you’re ethically superior because you get your politics off a Starbucks cup.

Besides, ivory is tacky, whale blubber tastes like shit, and diamonds are a sucker’s bet. Do you have any idea how smug you sound by acting like there’s some noble sacrifice in avoiding products that you wouldn’t have consumed in the first place?

Go ahead, boycott cocaine on ethical grounds. That’ll teach the Sinaloa Cartel a lesson. You idiot.

Ethical consumption is a marketing ploy. It should be ironically transparent, but weak-minded consumers are so desperate to assuage their hippie flavored white guilt that they’re willing to believe a holier-than-thou consumer identity actually has a positive net effect on the world’s political and environmental atrocities.

Seriously, don’t let them fool you. When they tell you that “every dollar you spend is a vote for how you want the world to be,” it’s just because they want your fucking dollar.

You’re being programmed to think that your consumer choices are the equivalent of moral acts, but they’re not. You’re just buying shit like the rest of us.